Near the beginning, I tried doing everythin' on my own. Didn't know how to depend on peeps because it's....been so short a time where I had anyone to depend on 'fore Kyriakos. Just me and silly chess people.
It terrified me, the idea I couldn't handle things on my own. Felt like if I didn't, I would surely die.
Reyson called me out on the bullshit, told me I had others to depend on. To help me.
It scared me.
It still does.
Even now, I can't....I can't accept help without helpin' in turn. 'cause it doesn't feel real. Like if I dun do something, it's all gonna fall apart somehow 'cause how do things continue unless I struggle somehow?
[And a feeling. A feeling like she can't just have kindness, the world isn't kind. But if she helps, then it's more even. She fulfills her purpose in life, so yes, yes, the universe can give her this kindness, and it makes SENSE and it's not a sign of things going badly in the near future.]
Re: RAGE
It terrified me, the idea I couldn't handle things on my own. Felt like if I didn't, I would surely die.
Reyson called me out on the bullshit, told me I had others to depend on. To help me.
It scared me.
It still does.
Even now, I can't....I can't accept help without helpin' in turn. 'cause it doesn't feel real. Like if I dun do something, it's all gonna fall apart somehow 'cause how do things continue unless I struggle somehow?
[And a feeling. A feeling like she can't just have kindness, the world isn't kind. But if she helps, then it's more even. She fulfills her purpose in life, so yes, yes, the universe can give her this kindness, and it makes SENSE and it's not a sign of things going badly in the near future.]