so i apparently need a fucking tether when i sleep. now im floating back in the direction of kyriakos because i ended up several hours out. fucking joy of joys.
tho i guess theres one advantage. its easier to think out here and try to sort out what i need to.
i spent a long time watching after myself. carapacians were really only good enough to cover the basics and that only lasted so long. i dont know how to be taken care of. the concept is so foreign that i just dont know how to handle it.
and the thing is i dont think i ever will. for a while i think ive been hoping after everything i would find a way to get better. i dont know if thats what you were trying to do but i think a lot of people were and i realized something.
i cant recover. i cant 'get better.' i grew up the last of my genocided race with aliens who would sometimes see me as food and i couldn't even see another human being in person until i was almost sixteen. ive seen the universe burn down around me. there is no 'better' from that. its going to be a huge fucking scar on my psyche for as long as i live. its like a lost limb in not magical healing land. that limb is just going to be fucking gone and nothing is going to change that.
but you can live with it. and the thing is i can live with this. its what i learned to do. i think thats been part of the problem when i open up to people. yes sometimes its going to hurt and i need a hug but so many people treat me like a delicate flower and im NOT. sure some stuff is gonna trigger me and suck but id rather it just be dealt with head on instead of tiptoed around until theres an explosion because i hate the fucking explosions.
i lived thru all of that shit. i survived it. sure some was with fucking self delusion and lies but i could still do what needed doing.
its why sparrow is so important to me. she realized that. someone could be be fine and still be sad still hurt. ended up being compelled into telling her my universe is gone and she said that and i cant even describe how much of a relief it was. how much of a relief it is.
it sucks and hurts and sometimes i want to cry about it but i can live with it. it doesnt mean i cant deal with other shit.
cause i do.
hey zelos did ya know the carapacians are actually the npcs of the game? because thats what they are. i kind of kept that under wraps though because i know a lot of people cant see the npcs as real. i didnt want to bring down the team because i couldnt get over something that others probs wouldnt see as rational.
im someone who knows she cant save everyone so makes due with what she can. thats the kind of person i am. im used to things being shitty and dealing with the shitty as long as i can do a little bit. thats all i need. i dont need extremes because ive had too little to expect it to happen.
Entry 4.7
tho i guess theres one advantage. its easier to think out here and try to sort out what i need to.
i spent a long time watching after myself. carapacians were really only good enough to cover the basics and that only lasted so long. i dont know how to be taken care of. the concept is so foreign that i just dont know how to handle it.
and the thing is i dont think i ever will. for a while i think ive been hoping after everything i would find a way to get better. i dont know if thats what you were trying to do but i think a lot of people were and i realized something.
i cant recover. i cant 'get better.' i grew up the last of my genocided race with aliens who would sometimes see me as food and i couldn't even see another human being in person until i was almost sixteen. ive seen the universe burn down around me. there is no 'better' from that. its going to be a huge fucking scar on my psyche for as long as i live. its like a lost limb in not magical healing land. that limb is just going to be fucking gone and nothing is going to change that.
but you can live with it. and the thing is i can live with this. its what i learned to do. i think thats been part of the problem when i open up to people. yes sometimes its going to hurt and i need a hug but so many people treat me like a delicate flower and im NOT. sure some stuff is gonna trigger me and suck but id rather it just be dealt with head on instead of tiptoed around until theres an explosion because i hate the fucking explosions.
i lived thru all of that shit. i survived it. sure some was with fucking self delusion and lies but i could still do what needed doing.
its why sparrow is so important to me. she realized that. someone could be be fine and still be sad still hurt. ended up being compelled into telling her my universe is gone and she said that and i cant even describe how much of a relief it was. how much of a relief it is.
it sucks and hurts and sometimes i want to cry about it but i can live with it. it doesnt mean i cant deal with other shit.
cause i do.
hey zelos did ya know the carapacians are actually the npcs of the game? because thats what they are. i kind of kept that under wraps though because i know a lot of people cant see the npcs as real. i didnt want to bring down the team because i couldnt get over something that others probs wouldnt see as rational.
im someone who knows she cant save everyone so makes due with what she can. thats the kind of person i am. im used to things being shitty and dealing with the shitty as long as i can do a little bit. thats all i need. i dont need extremes because ive had too little to expect it to happen.