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thevoidsdarkhorseNegative Significant: so i got crazy drunk and felt the super sorriest for myself i ever did
Refernced here.
The memory starts with Roxy waking up on her couch. Jane is there to greet her, ask how she is, Roxy is feeling embarrassed, and Jane reassures her it's understandable. Jake and Dirk are taking care of 'them' and she's cleaned up the mess in Roxy's room. Roxy is feeling pretty embarrassed and ashamed, so she quickly changes the subject about how Jane is doing. They chit chat a bit before Jane says she's gonna start on dinner for when the boys are back. Roxy warns all there'll only be pumpkin in her fridge, and Jane says that's probably for the best that it's all veggie. Roxy agrees.
So Jane goes to cook and Roxy realizes there is...something. Squarewave on the roof? She's suddenly very excited, more excited than she's ever been in her LIFE, and she's running up the stairs, balcony to the observatory, and climbing onto the roof. There's the rapbot, a machine, but more importantly, a purple ball of flashing light.
She pulls out a bottle filled with green goo from her sylladex, which is weird, buts he has it. She's staring at the sprite, and there is so much excitement, anxiety, a bit of fear, but so much anticipation. She forces herself to just breathe for a minute, because she wants to be calm, she wants to be COOL, to make a good impression. Eventually, she's got herself together. "Okay, mom. Time to meet your baby girl." And she's about to throw the bottle in.
And then.
And then THIS ASSHOLE appears and throws the dead bodies and decapitated heads of this girl and this girl (who also has olive blood) right into the kernelsprite. Which then makes Fefetasprite.
There's a loooong, drawn out moment of Roxy just staring, doing the math. Two. Only two things can go into the sprite. Two are in the sprite.
HONK
It's at that point Roxy just sees RED. The memory gets hazy, just full of screaming and the sound of a lazer gun, and just wanting to KILL THAT GODDAMN FUCKING CLOWN DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!! WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING DIE YOU SHIT EATING JUGGALO?!
Somehow the clown gets away. Who knows how, clown powers, it's what they do. At that point, Roxy has just run herself down because murderous rage isn't really her thing, and Jane finally catches up. She's just asking question, what was Roxy doing, she shouldn't run off, it's not safe, and did she REALLY need to react like that, at least her sprite didn't explode, and Roxy just KNOWS Jane doesn't get it, Jane doesn't know what the sprite MEANT.
And Roxy just SMILES at Jane, big, wide, totally empty, and says she's pretty thirsty after all that, and heads back into the house, leaving her pretty befuddled.
It's then Roxy heads upstairs to the other bedroom in hr house, locks the door behind her, and proceeds to DRINK HERSELF INTO OBLIVION. There's no mix, there's no pretense, she just grabs bottle after bottle and drinks herself until all the feelings she can't void out just STOP EXISTING. Occasional knocking comes from the door, which Roxy responding by throwing the bottle at the door and yelling at them to kindly fuck off, in a weirdly chipper voice.
Memories get hazy again, but Dirk does eventually come in when she's too drunk to throw anything, makes her eat some food and drink some water and she's just smiling at Dirk even though he knows better because it's all she can do whiled runk. This continues on for maybe the better part of a day before she finally leaves, still drunk out of her mind, and she's just smiling and chipper at everyone, and it's pretty clear by the discomfort that they all KNOW she's lying and unhinged, and not quite sure how to approach it. Jake and Jane are still caught off guard by the entire thing, and Dirk knows that there's really nothing he CAN do to comfort her.
But she keeps smiling and drinking for the rest of the day and just tries to be full with as much nothing as possible and who cares she's finally drunk enough to not walk straight and her words are practically incomprehensible, it's better than the alternative.
Break Down
-Something happened that hit me hard and Dirk and Jake were getting rid of whatever it was.
-And it made a mess in my room...? May involve meat...?
-OH WAIT THERE IS A THING.
-Aaaaaaa my sprite~
-I'm gonna see mom, I'm gonna see mom, I'm gonna see mom.
-MOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOM
-Ready to throw and-
-....
-............
-MURDEROUS RAGE
-FUCK CLOWNS!!!!!!!
-FUCK JUGGALOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-FUCK THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING HONKING BASTARD!!!!!!!!
-Fucker vanishes, Jane doesn't get it and just
-Nope
-Nope nope nope nope NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPENOPENOPENOPE!!!!!!
-Just thirsty, later Jane :)
-Kindly fuck off while I drink myself into oblivion, you'll just step on that glass if you come in anyway. :)
-La la la la let's just kill all my fucking emotions. :)
-oh, guess I should get water and food. :)
-Guess I should leave that room. :)
-Not the booze though. :)
-Never the booze. :)
-La la la I'm fine, you'll accept it and stop looking at that. :)
-My emotions are dead and everything is Fine. :)
-Everything is empty. :)
-And. :)
-Fine. :) :) :)
Meaning
So one of the important things to know is Roxy getting her mom? Is ONE OF HER BIGGEST MOTIVATING FACTORS for a lot of shit she does. It is the ONE THING that had no downside in entering the Game. As for things entering the Game did, improving Dirk and her chances of happiness only went up a little bit, Jake and Jane were probably in MORE danger in the Game, and basically even if there was chance of great reward, that were more chance of utter and complete failure that would doom her and her friends.
However, the Game was the ONLY hope she ever had of meeting her mom. So when it came to the mom situation, the Game could only make it go up. Sure, she might die, but shew as already dead. At least this way she could talk to her. Everything was doubt and risk and so likely to blow up in her face, but this? This was still something good. Something she DESERVED.
And when she was so close, it was ripped away from her. In a life where she had so little, where it was rare that there wasn't a catch, a risk, this was a purely good thing ripped away from her at the last moment.
It broke her. Wrecked her completely and she had no means of dragging herself out because that's what she always DID. She did it because she had this hope of BETTER and this meant so MUCH to her, and why couldn't she HAVE IT, what was so wrong with her just wanting to meet her family, why couldn't the universe just have this ONE PURELY GOOD THING IN HER LIFE?!
So yeah, that is a lot of feelings of utter despair and she just drank it away because she had NO MEANS of confronting it head on (until Fefeta helps later), and drinkings was easier, and some part of her still recognized she had to watch out for her friends. Drunk her would be more functional than despairing her. Barely.
As for Roxy in Kyriakos, it's...going to hit hard, because she'll know those feelings, but she was already aware of this happening. She had heard about the kernelsprite, about Fefeta being two, and she just put it together. So she knows the kernelsprite wasn't gonna work, and more than that, she KNOWS about Rose. So Roxy in Kyriakos won't hit that utter despair point. She knows that she's SO CLOSE in the future. (Though she may worry about losing it the last second, but she'll keep hoping anyway.) She'll just...have to deal with those feelings.
But it does put her closer to acknowledging her drinking is a problem. HOW MUCH she does depends on....what happens when she takes this. :)
Refernced here.
The memory starts with Roxy waking up on her couch. Jane is there to greet her, ask how she is, Roxy is feeling embarrassed, and Jane reassures her it's understandable. Jake and Dirk are taking care of 'them' and she's cleaned up the mess in Roxy's room. Roxy is feeling pretty embarrassed and ashamed, so she quickly changes the subject about how Jane is doing. They chit chat a bit before Jane says she's gonna start on dinner for when the boys are back. Roxy warns all there'll only be pumpkin in her fridge, and Jane says that's probably for the best that it's all veggie. Roxy agrees.
So Jane goes to cook and Roxy realizes there is...something. Squarewave on the roof? She's suddenly very excited, more excited than she's ever been in her LIFE, and she's running up the stairs, balcony to the observatory, and climbing onto the roof. There's the rapbot, a machine, but more importantly, a purple ball of flashing light.
She pulls out a bottle filled with green goo from her sylladex, which is weird, buts he has it. She's staring at the sprite, and there is so much excitement, anxiety, a bit of fear, but so much anticipation. She forces herself to just breathe for a minute, because she wants to be calm, she wants to be COOL, to make a good impression. Eventually, she's got herself together. "Okay, mom. Time to meet your baby girl." And she's about to throw the bottle in.
And then.
And then THIS ASSHOLE appears and throws the dead bodies and decapitated heads of this girl and this girl (who also has olive blood) right into the kernelsprite. Which then makes Fefetasprite.
There's a loooong, drawn out moment of Roxy just staring, doing the math. Two. Only two things can go into the sprite. Two are in the sprite.
HONK
It's at that point Roxy just sees RED. The memory gets hazy, just full of screaming and the sound of a lazer gun, and just wanting to KILL THAT GODDAMN FUCKING CLOWN DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!! WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING DIE YOU SHIT EATING JUGGALO?!
Somehow the clown gets away. Who knows how, clown powers, it's what they do. At that point, Roxy has just run herself down because murderous rage isn't really her thing, and Jane finally catches up. She's just asking question, what was Roxy doing, she shouldn't run off, it's not safe, and did she REALLY need to react like that, at least her sprite didn't explode, and Roxy just KNOWS Jane doesn't get it, Jane doesn't know what the sprite MEANT.
And Roxy just SMILES at Jane, big, wide, totally empty, and says she's pretty thirsty after all that, and heads back into the house, leaving her pretty befuddled.
It's then Roxy heads upstairs to the other bedroom in hr house, locks the door behind her, and proceeds to DRINK HERSELF INTO OBLIVION. There's no mix, there's no pretense, she just grabs bottle after bottle and drinks herself until all the feelings she can't void out just STOP EXISTING. Occasional knocking comes from the door, which Roxy responding by throwing the bottle at the door and yelling at them to kindly fuck off, in a weirdly chipper voice.
Memories get hazy again, but Dirk does eventually come in when she's too drunk to throw anything, makes her eat some food and drink some water and she's just smiling at Dirk even though he knows better because it's all she can do whiled runk. This continues on for maybe the better part of a day before she finally leaves, still drunk out of her mind, and she's just smiling and chipper at everyone, and it's pretty clear by the discomfort that they all KNOW she's lying and unhinged, and not quite sure how to approach it. Jake and Jane are still caught off guard by the entire thing, and Dirk knows that there's really nothing he CAN do to comfort her.
But she keeps smiling and drinking for the rest of the day and just tries to be full with as much nothing as possible and who cares she's finally drunk enough to not walk straight and her words are practically incomprehensible, it's better than the alternative.
Break Down
-Something happened that hit me hard and Dirk and Jake were getting rid of whatever it was.
-And it made a mess in my room...? May involve meat...?
-OH WAIT THERE IS A THING.
-Aaaaaaa my sprite~
-I'm gonna see mom, I'm gonna see mom, I'm gonna see mom.
-MOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOM
-Ready to throw and-
-....
-............
-MURDEROUS RAGE
-FUCK CLOWNS!!!!!!!
-FUCK JUGGALOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-FUCK THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING HONKING BASTARD!!!!!!!!
-Fucker vanishes, Jane doesn't get it and just
-Nope
-Nope nope nope nope NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPENOPENOPENOPE!!!!!!
-Just thirsty, later Jane :)
-Kindly fuck off while I drink myself into oblivion, you'll just step on that glass if you come in anyway. :)
-La la la la let's just kill all my fucking emotions. :)
-oh, guess I should get water and food. :)
-Guess I should leave that room. :)
-Not the booze though. :)
-Never the booze. :)
-La la la I'm fine, you'll accept it and stop looking at that. :)
-My emotions are dead and everything is Fine. :)
-Everything is empty. :)
-And. :)
-Fine. :) :) :)
Meaning
So one of the important things to know is Roxy getting her mom? Is ONE OF HER BIGGEST MOTIVATING FACTORS for a lot of shit she does. It is the ONE THING that had no downside in entering the Game. As for things entering the Game did, improving Dirk and her chances of happiness only went up a little bit, Jake and Jane were probably in MORE danger in the Game, and basically even if there was chance of great reward, that were more chance of utter and complete failure that would doom her and her friends.
However, the Game was the ONLY hope she ever had of meeting her mom. So when it came to the mom situation, the Game could only make it go up. Sure, she might die, but shew as already dead. At least this way she could talk to her. Everything was doubt and risk and so likely to blow up in her face, but this? This was still something good. Something she DESERVED.
And when she was so close, it was ripped away from her. In a life where she had so little, where it was rare that there wasn't a catch, a risk, this was a purely good thing ripped away from her at the last moment.
It broke her. Wrecked her completely and she had no means of dragging herself out because that's what she always DID. She did it because she had this hope of BETTER and this meant so MUCH to her, and why couldn't she HAVE IT, what was so wrong with her just wanting to meet her family, why couldn't the universe just have this ONE PURELY GOOD THING IN HER LIFE?!
So yeah, that is a lot of feelings of utter despair and she just drank it away because she had NO MEANS of confronting it head on (until Fefeta helps later), and drinkings was easier, and some part of her still recognized she had to watch out for her friends. Drunk her would be more functional than despairing her. Barely.
As for Roxy in Kyriakos, it's...going to hit hard, because she'll know those feelings, but she was already aware of this happening. She had heard about the kernelsprite, about Fefeta being two, and she just put it together. So she knows the kernelsprite wasn't gonna work, and more than that, she KNOWS about Rose. So Roxy in Kyriakos won't hit that utter despair point. She knows that she's SO CLOSE in the future. (Though she may worry about losing it the last second, but she'll keep hoping anyway.) She'll just...have to deal with those feelings.
But it does put her closer to acknowledging her drinking is a problem. HOW MUCH she does depends on....what happens when she takes this. :)