thevoidsdarkhorse | Heart Game (Continued)

Heart Game (Continued)

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I WAS SUPPOSED TO FIND THAT JOY WITH THEM!

[And there's anger. There's anger and so much pain.]

I was born to be with them! To grow together, to conquer that Game, to get a happy ending we deserved! Jane was supposed to learn the truth, believe and see how mysterious the world really is, and lead us to victory and show us how to make a proper victory cake. Jake was supposed to get a grand adventure, hang out with me and making sure Jane and Dirk weren't being totes fuddy duddies, and maybe figure out what he wants from romance.

I was supposed to MEET CALLIOPE in the flesh after saving her from her horrible brother. I was supposed to stop missing the help Shades needed and help him find security in his fuckin' identity.

I was supposed to meet Rose and we were gonna have a supes awesome family reunion, and hell maybe even get to meet my son I apparently got, and we were gonna figure out why we felt this close without meeting.

[And now there's tears, a lot of tears.]

And Dirk and I were supposed to be happy! Dirk would have something living around 'sides puppets and a tiny horse. He was gonna get to try so much homemade fresh food thanks to Jane, he was gonna get to explore so much more land than a fucking apartment in the see with Jake, and I was gonna make sure he got every hug he never got growing up. We were gonna figure out how to be around humans together, we were gonna meet our family together, we were gonna keep our friends SAFE to the end.

I was supposed to see when Dirk managed a real smile without a hint of sadness years from now when our childhood stopped haunting us.

We were supposed to protect them. [Her voice cracks.]

Not be the one whose weapon killed 'em while the other was asleep.

How am I supposed to save them when I couldn't even keep them from dying the first time around?

....

[Doesn't answer, just keeps....eating.]

"Other people help. It's hard, to understand a person from only one point of view. Having more than one makes it easier, to figure out what's right and wrong."

[He can hack off a piece and burn it, yes.]

I should have known better. I know games. I know loopholes and the secret stuff.

[ nods softly ]

It's good everything worked out with the Trickster. That the different powers helped.

[God, GOD it hits too much that he doesn't WANT to logic out for her sake. Once those tears start flowing, he's pulled that blanket back out and is wrapping her tight in his arms, burying his face in her neck. He can't do words without hitting wall after wall, walls he RECOGNIZES, so he's giving in and letting these goddamn powers of his do whatever they can. There's no object or goal in mind - just the rawness of the fact that he knows, he KNOWS, she's lost far more than him but he knows that loss, and god, how he wishes he could give her an answer as much as he could give HIMSELF an answer, instead of looping around in all of the million ways things could have been different. What if he had been a braver child, what if he had listened to his sister, told her to hide to keep her from dying... what if he had been firmer with Luke, more demanding, more thorough in trying to find other options so that Luke would never have to feel he was the only one who had to sacrifice... so many MAYBES and POSSIBILIES to make one sick, to pile guilt upon guilt on their shoulders in an effort to feel it was somehow worth it.

But it wasn't.

Losing everything... how was ever it worth it? It's horrifying. It hurts, it's unfair, it's wrong. Why her, why him, why couldn't they belong to something better with the people they loved...

All he can do is cling and feel. Words would only take his honesty away.]

[He is doing that then. VINE TORCH. ...It makes him feel better okay.]

You did what you thought would mean less deaths at the time. Nobody's perfect, right? So just learn from it for next time.

I grew up alone, too. [I'll have a snowcone myself.]

It's not easy, huh.

... [She pauses in her eating, but then keeps going.]

[Yes...yes it's not easy at all.]

[Pyroooooo.]

Yeah.

Don't try.

[She nods.] "That was the idea."

...I never said don't try, geeze. It's okay to make mistakes. But if you hadn't tried, then there'd be something wrong.

[She's gone rigid in his arms, shocked.]

[There's warmth there. It almost seems like the world itself is thudding somehow. No. Beating. Fast, panicked, lost, terrified. But then the beat shifts, adjusting to match his own heart beat, because she feels it.]

[Someone who understand the loss, the walls, the fears, and she never expected it. She's so used to being alone that anyone getting close is a shock. That it was him holding her like this just makes it hit all the more because he never touches her, never shows vulnerabilities, but now he is.]

[She let's out a broken sob, slumping against him.]

I tried and this happened.

Don't eat too fast, or you might get brain freeze...

[He leans back, resting his elbow on a convenient pumpkin.]

And if you hadn't, you'd be kicking yourself now for not speaking up and dragging things out.

[ He offers it to her. ]

[He keeps holding her, hand cupping against her hair.]

I'm sorry. I can't fix it -- I don't know how to, I... If there was a way to take that loss away, I'd try everything possible, but I...

[His voice cracks again before he swallows, thick and dry, tensing up.]

I can't bring back corpses.

Please, Roxy, please don't let us lose you, too. Please. I want you here.

I don't want to outlive another friend.

[Another beat, same beat, and she's tired. She's so tired of loss and watching people die and she doesn't want to either. She wants to stop seeing everyone go before her. There's so many wishes to make it stop no matter what the cost.]

[But there's more feelings. The bands have started to join the beat, and there's other feelings. Bits and pieces of help, affection, promises to help and be there. Important feelings like his trying to combat the deep despair.]

[And it's those feelings that let her hands move up to cling to his shirt as she sobs against him.]

[When he reaches the void aspect, a thought pops up.]

[I want to exist and be happy.]

[She takes his hand, tugging for him to sit beside her.]

It was over days.

[She looks up, giving him a questioning look.]

[What is brain freeze?]

[And pumpkins with their so helpful thoughts.]

[Don't give too much, they don't have self control, you're the only one who can watch the moderation. There's only so much you can get at once, but always have a reserve for the bad times. Careful, careful, careful, you're the only one who can do this, you're all alone in this effort.]

[There's a definite tension at the grasp of her fingers, but he doesn't move to stop her or back away, his arms still firm around her.]

I'm here. No matter what, I want to see you find a better way. I'll be here until then.

I promise.

[..]

You reserve the pumpkins, right? What for?

[ Well, I guess he's sitting then. ]

You do exist, Roxy.

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