thevoidsdarkhorse | Heart Game (Continued)

You think I don't know that?

If that's your desire, then does anything else in here really matter to you? The people you love and care about, the people who've you've lost... Hydra, Zelos, Jake, Jane, Dirk, your mother -- you're talking about throwing them all away, throwing away what has happened to you, and to them, for the sake of your own goddamn despair!

What the hell do you think that will leave behind???

Leave behind?

Leave behind for who?

Us! Your teammates, your friends, all the people who are here now!

Considering the pattern, just seems a matter of time before I'm left alone again.

Don't make that decision for us, Roxy! Those of us that are around choose to be around, regardless of what's happened!

Don't pretend like you want to be left alone, after all this! [Gesturing wildly to the bloodied mess around them] Would they want you off killing yourself just because they were gone?? Are you making them proud over that?? Or would they want you to try and fight for any happiness you could take, because you survived for a reason??

What reason?

A Rogue of Void is a passive class. Support.

What can I support when my team is dead? That they all died when I was right there, but couldn't do a thing because I let someone sleep spell me?

[She spreads her arms out wide.]

What happiness is there in a universe where almost everything in it is literally destroyed? The Reapers wouldn't have had to work very hard to finish it off.

Then find it somewhere else! Don't just pass up the chance you've been given in Kyriakos, Roxy!! Don't ignore the happiness that's right in front of you or the support you can give now, just because you're scared it might be taken from you again!

[There is a hollow laugh.]

And you're saying that?

[Sucking in a breath because O U C H]

Yeah, I am.

I remember those nights, back when I was sixteen, where I had nothing left. I couldn't bring anyone back, I couldn't do anything to avenge them, and I couldn't progress no matter how hard I tried. Nights where I'd lay in bed after too many nightmares and wonder why the hell I couldn't have died along with everyone else.

I'm not saying any of this because it's easy, Roxy. It's not. It's hard. It hurts. It's sleepless nights and frightening days and too much time wondering why. You spend your life waiting for any good things to disappear, for people to leave or die or vanish, because that's just how it always works.

[D E S T I N Y]

Exactly! [And there's bite there, bitterness.]

....that's how it always works.

They were supposed to be the exception, to make it worth enduring.

And Luke was supposed to be my exception! He was - he IS - my exception! Except even for as much as I took care of him and kept him safe, I still had to watch him get taken from me three times, even in Kyriakos, even in a place where I should have a chance at keeping things normal for once! He's the only way I found any damn reason to be happy again, and I screwed it up because even though I had chance after chance, even though I begged, I still couldn't save him!

[A break, his voice cracking and expression tight with anger. It takes him a moment to gather himself again.]

I have to wake myself up every morning to that, Roxy. I have to fight myself. I detach. I want to vanish and hope for something that isn't my life. But I still choose to try. Because I refuse to return to a world without him, and the only way to do that is if I'm still alive and around to try and fight for him.

At least you have that option! [And that's a snap and the smile fades even though she still looks dead inside.]

I don't.

I can't fight for them. They were dead before the Reapers. Heroic, Just, my mother bled out in my arms because even the one I had a chance to save, I was still too late. It doesn't MATTER if I live because I can't save them. No Dream Selves, no Godtier, no Life powers. Just dead kids.

I can take losing things over and over and over and fucking OVER again, as long as there was a chance. There was a real chance to get 'em back, but I DON'T.

They're gone. The one good thing I had back home. The ONLY good thing I ever had back home.

I only have that option because I'm not going to allow there to BE another option!

If I focused on what I remember, then I've lost them all, too. The only difference is that I know he's out there with an Echo somewhere, that maybe somehow, if things can be changed, he can make it home and not have to disappear like he always does! And I can't accept that there's any other option than that, because I can't accept being left with nothing again!

I don't care what it takes, Roxy, but if that world isn't something you can accept, then can't you realize you're in one of the ONLY positions you'll ever manage to try and actually change it? Whether it's changing your world or, hell, finding something for yourself somewhere else, something that actually has some joy for once.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO FIND THAT JOY WITH THEM!

[And there's anger. There's anger and so much pain.]

I was born to be with them! To grow together, to conquer that Game, to get a happy ending we deserved! Jane was supposed to learn the truth, believe and see how mysterious the world really is, and lead us to victory and show us how to make a proper victory cake. Jake was supposed to get a grand adventure, hang out with me and making sure Jane and Dirk weren't being totes fuddy duddies, and maybe figure out what he wants from romance.

I was supposed to MEET CALLIOPE in the flesh after saving her from her horrible brother. I was supposed to stop missing the help Shades needed and help him find security in his fuckin' identity.

I was supposed to meet Rose and we were gonna have a supes awesome family reunion, and hell maybe even get to meet my son I apparently got, and we were gonna figure out why we felt this close without meeting.

[And now there's tears, a lot of tears.]

And Dirk and I were supposed to be happy! Dirk would have something living around 'sides puppets and a tiny horse. He was gonna get to try so much homemade fresh food thanks to Jane, he was gonna get to explore so much more land than a fucking apartment in the see with Jake, and I was gonna make sure he got every hug he never got growing up. We were gonna figure out how to be around humans together, we were gonna meet our family together, we were gonna keep our friends SAFE to the end.

I was supposed to see when Dirk managed a real smile without a hint of sadness years from now when our childhood stopped haunting us.

We were supposed to protect them. [Her voice cracks.]

Not be the one whose weapon killed 'em while the other was asleep.

How am I supposed to save them when I couldn't even keep them from dying the first time around?

[God, GOD it hits too much that he doesn't WANT to logic out for her sake. Once those tears start flowing, he's pulled that blanket back out and is wrapping her tight in his arms, burying his face in her neck. He can't do words without hitting wall after wall, walls he RECOGNIZES, so he's giving in and letting these goddamn powers of his do whatever they can. There's no object or goal in mind - just the rawness of the fact that he knows, he KNOWS, she's lost far more than him but he knows that loss, and god, how he wishes he could give her an answer as much as he could give HIMSELF an answer, instead of looping around in all of the million ways things could have been different. What if he had been a braver child, what if he had listened to his sister, told her to hide to keep her from dying... what if he had been firmer with Luke, more demanding, more thorough in trying to find other options so that Luke would never have to feel he was the only one who had to sacrifice... so many MAYBES and POSSIBILIES to make one sick, to pile guilt upon guilt on their shoulders in an effort to feel it was somehow worth it.

But it wasn't.

Losing everything... how was ever it worth it? It's horrifying. It hurts, it's unfair, it's wrong. Why her, why him, why couldn't they belong to something better with the people they loved...

All he can do is cling and feel. Words would only take his honesty away.]

[She's gone rigid in his arms, shocked.]

[There's warmth there. It almost seems like the world itself is thudding somehow. No. Beating. Fast, panicked, lost, terrified. But then the beat shifts, adjusting to match his own heart beat, because she feels it.]

[Someone who understand the loss, the walls, the fears, and she never expected it. She's so used to being alone that anyone getting close is a shock. That it was him holding her like this just makes it hit all the more because he never touches her, never shows vulnerabilities, but now he is.]

[She let's out a broken sob, slumping against him.]

[He keeps holding her, hand cupping against her hair.]

I'm sorry. I can't fix it -- I don't know how to, I... If there was a way to take that loss away, I'd try everything possible, but I...

[His voice cracks again before he swallows, thick and dry, tensing up.]

I can't bring back corpses.

Please, Roxy, please don't let us lose you, too. Please. I want you here.

I don't want to outlive another friend.

[Another beat, same beat, and she's tired. She's so tired of loss and watching people die and she doesn't want to either. She wants to stop seeing everyone go before her. There's so many wishes to make it stop no matter what the cost.]

[But there's more feelings. The bands have started to join the beat, and there's other feelings. Bits and pieces of help, affection, promises to help and be there. Important feelings like his trying to combat the deep despair.]

[And it's those feelings that let her hands move up to cling to his shirt as she sobs against him.]

[There's a definite tension at the grasp of her fingers, but he doesn't move to stop her or back away, his arms still firm around her.]

I'm here. No matter what, I want to see you find a better way. I'll be here until then.

I promise.

You won't leave? Please don't leave, I-I don't w-want to be alone again.

[me too, boo, me too. except i have to be the man always so GOOD LUCK HEARING ME SAY THAT]

If I ever leave, know I'll see you again. I will. I won't be gone forever. Not until we're old and wrinkled and well-lived in our lives.

I'm not going to leave you any other way, alright? I promise, Roxy. I have too much to do to die on you.

[Too bad I probably won't get old and wrinkled because immortality, BUT YEAH.]

[And suddenly, there's more bands on her. Blue with orange trim. At least it gets to be very different from the rest of the blue.]

[But you have a teen girl just crying grossly and clinging onto you now.]

[well Auldrant's years are literally twice as long as Earth years so there's that, at least

He'll continue to hold her, for as long as she needs, letting her cry it out.]

[Oh good, you'll be on troll years.]

[There is a lot of crying for a few minutes before she shakes and forces out.]

Go.

Go to Hope.

...

[A nod, but he doesn't move forward, instead stretching out his hand, and

well

You know that coffin trick that he tried with the cat?

He's going to try it here... though on a much grander scale, with the bodies scattered around them. The dead deserve to be anything but defiled.]

Heart Game (Continued)

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