thevoidsdarkhorse | Heart Game (Continued)

....that's also another problem. [She looks at the ground, frowning deeply.]

'fore the fuckin' clown showed up, she was the only troll I knew about that was still alive. Even her crew is dead.

So only a troll can do something like that?

Crew?

Her ship crew. Gog knows how she manages the damn thing.

And I don't know! I know shit all about troll reproduction, just that it involves buckets, all gender combos work, and I think that's because they have both parts.

Then it sounds like you might not need anything at all, to bring back their race, other than your power.

So stay true to yourself, and bring them back. But bring them back after you've stopped her. And in the meantime ... well, you're Roxy, aren't you? I know you can get out of something like this, even if it's tough as it is right now. If not alone, then with the people who'll support you like you always support them. Because it sounds like at least one of them has a chance to come and help-- and I bet he will, soon enough. The choices she gave you aren't the only ones, so show her that you can make your own while not giving up who you are and throw it back in her face eventually.

And perhaps there are others of her race still out there. You said a clown showed up? Is he a troll too?

How do you get that at all, it sounds like I know fuck all on how trolls actually reproduce.

Yeah, but I dunno what his deal is. I think he came from another game session with all his dead teammates.

Then doesn't that prove more exist, so the possibility exists? Don't just toss it aside because it's not completely clear just yet. I'm sure it'll become clear, one way or the other. Especially since there could be a way to save them, and you wouldn't even need to put them in harm's way, if you can stop the Batterwitch first.

Regardless of what you do and when you do it ... just make sure you do it for yourself above anybody else.

[WHAT HE SAID. Castling'll just nod]

I don't know what I want!

Part of me wants to go 'no fuck that' just to spite her, another part is like 'why does it have to be ME?', another part thinks it's all bullshit, and then there's the obvs I have to help!

And I can't just assume there IS a possibility when it's an entire race.

No, but as long as it's not something you know for sure, it's still something.

Don't spite her in a way she expects you to-- because that would be what she wants. And as long as you show her you're not going to let her change or break you and who you are, that's how you really spite her. Bring them back now, rescue them later; deal with her first, and then revive them. But whatever you do, do it because you choose it, and you believe it's the right choice. That conviction is something she can't take from you, as long as it's your own.

Do it out of your own will, and go against what she expects you to do.

....

[She just gives them a flat look.]

She doesn't want to break me that way! She wants to use my goodness against me. It's that or dominate my will, not corrupt me into evil. She did THAT with Jade and Jane, she dun exactly need to do that with me for her sick kicks.

I know she can't take any of my feelings, my own thoughts and feelings are all I ever had, it's the fact that she's able to use them so well that's driving me up the fucking wall! She EXPECTS me to make the matriorb. She WANTS me to do it, she doesn't want me to have a crisis of faith over my own personality and go darkside because, oh look SHE HAS DARKSIDE TURNERS!

There is no moral battle 'you know you're like me' thing going on, it's all about domination and manipulation!

Edited 2015-02-02 03:57 (UTC)

It's about you making a choice you'd normally make without question, and regretting it in ways, because of how she uses and manipulates it, right? That exactly why you should listen to yourself-- not caring about whether or not she expects something or wants you to do something, but because you know it's simply the right thing to do.

[ He also has no idea if his powers work here, but ... paths, the right choices to make, the right ways to go ... he's trying to feel for that, something. ]

It's not the complete solution, but it doesn't end there. Because there's more than just this moment with this choice you're trapped in.

[ Though he'll also nudge Lucciola and his pesterchum, because maybe he can try using that if his powers don't bring anything back. ]

It is hard to make a decision without regarding a direct influence on that decision, but...

[SHOULD I LOOK AT MY PHONE is that what you mean]

Agggggh, she doesn't give a shit if I feel bad or anything! I'm the only one who cares, she just cares that I do what she wants, that's.....it doesn't make me feel any better! I always do the right thing, I'm always going to do the right thing, that's the whole thing, and it's aggravating because every time I do what I want, she makes it to her advantage!

It's like I'm always TRAPPED by her, even if I do what I want to do!

[Bitterness.]

[The moral choice has been decided. It was decided the moment it was brought up.]

[But it doesn't help the bitterness, it doesn't help the trapped feelings, and it's hard to feel like they're valid when she's still doing good things while playing into the villain's hands.]

[ Yes boyfriend, we have those things for a reason and for communication purposes that might be able to help us out.

But ... he looks down. ]

I wish I knew what to say to that ... because I know how that feels. And I haven't quite found the way out of it, because it seems like there is none for me, either. For us. And that sort of feeling ... is the worst. Of having no escape.

But outside you-- and so many other people have told me that you're sure it'll get better eventually. That we'll find a way out of it. It's still hard to believe, so I know those words alone won't do much here. But knowing you have people on the outside who will support you and believe in you, and maybe even help you themselves ... it can't help but make you feel something.

And I know even that can still lack to an extent. But ... all you can do is keep going, because if you don't, then you really will stay trapped. Use that bitterness, that anger as your fuel to keep doing what you'll always do, and keep making choices-- the choices you'll always make regardless of what she does with them. Maybe something won't line up with what she needs or wants, and that'll be a key. They're maybes, but ... all you can do when you feel truly trapped is keep striking the bars of the cage with all of that fueled anger until they either give or it kills you. And you don't just let yourself be killed so easily.

[ He keeps trying to focus his power on the room as well. That the right paths-- the truly right paths are hard to find because they seem like they all lead to the same things, the same feelings of being trapped. But there are so many of them and you can only see so far ahead. To keep going, no matter how repetitive it gets at least lets you keep moving, and keep searching until you're on the path you were searching for, or one that even slightly diverges from the rest that will lead you there. ]

It is really aggravating, to feel like that. That you truly have no control.

[Roxy laughs, though it's bitter, hollow, very different from her usual laugh that doesn't seem to have any care and really are half snorts.] Bitterness as fuel?

[And Rook can see it. A little girl whose unsure if she believe the boy in the screen is real. If the grey text is really a friend. How she can only go beyond her area of the Neighborhood with white Carapacians because she doesn't trust going alone. How her bitterness almost got her and Dirk killed because she refused to play. The fear that her bitterness made her needlessly cruel to Dirk.]

[How her bitterness made her drink and drink and drink.]

[She crossed her arms, turning her back on them.]

How am I supposed to believe you understand when you say that? Bitterness is why I pondered not reviving a race.

Saying that shit can be useful, that is can help, then follow up it can all get better? How am I supposed to believe shit can go well with these stupid feelings.

[As she talks, it feels like pathways are closing down.]

I--

[ No Rook shut up like you know anything about this when you haven't remembered anything good happening for you in that regard-- just a cycle of figuring out how to get by without dying or feeling your sister's wrath and still feeling it anyway, trying to escape and being dragged back home. Nothing else he said even seems to have registered now because of that one thing. He shakes his head. ]

I'm sorry. I ... didn't mean it like that, channeling it in that way, I just-- people like UU-- those friends are what should be your main driving force even above that. Not...

[ It's all yours Lucciola because you got the phone up and now I'm getting pinged in my bad places I'm a fuckup hooray. \o\ ]

[yeah he... will hold his phone out for Dio so he can read the conversation before he turns to Roxy]

I... do not think it is about that. Sometimes, things will not go the way you want them to. Or make you feel better over your decisions. But... it does not make you a bad person, Roxy.

[She freezes, tense.]

...how can you say that? Almost killed my friends, still pondering dooming a race?

Ignore what's good for my friends, just wanting to do what makes me feel better. Wanting to let those feelings fuel me.

How can I be a good person like that?

Because you feel as strongly as you do about those things. Whether you do them, whether you don't do them depending on if you want to or have to or not, and whether they work out as planned, whether you like what you do or hate it, the fact that you know what those things are, what's good and bad and what they mean and not lose sight of that, and still feel the ways you do about them is what makes you a good person.

... aah. As long as you know yourself what you feel about things, and realize the difference of what you believe is right or wrong. That shows that you are a good person. If you did not think or care about the consequences or results of whatever you were doing at all, whether they were good or bad... that would be different.

And how would you know? It's easy to say stuff like that, but these feelings....they don't feel like a good person's feelings.

[Her back is still to them, arms wrapping around herself.]

Heart Game (Continued)

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fkjgd sorry I forgot to reply. do we change the order after this?

We could! Either or.