thevoidsdarkhorse | Heart Game (Continued)

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From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

Agggggh, she doesn't give a shit if I feel bad or anything! I'm the only one who cares, she just cares that I do what she wants, that's.....it doesn't make me feel any better! I always do the right thing, I'm always going to do the right thing, that's the whole thing, and it's aggravating because every time I do what I want, she makes it to her advantage!

It's like I'm always TRAPPED by her, even if I do what I want to do!

[Bitterness.]

[The moral choice has been decided. It was decided the moment it was brought up.]

[But it doesn't help the bitterness, it doesn't help the trapped feelings, and it's hard to feel like they're valid when she's still doing good things while playing into the villain's hands.]

From:

unguilded

[ Yes boyfriend, we have those things for a reason and for communication purposes that might be able to help us out.

But ... he looks down. ]

I wish I knew what to say to that ... because I know how that feels. And I haven't quite found the way out of it, because it seems like there is none for me, either. For us. And that sort of feeling ... is the worst. Of having no escape.

But outside you-- and so many other people have told me that you're sure it'll get better eventually. That we'll find a way out of it. It's still hard to believe, so I know those words alone won't do much here. But knowing you have people on the outside who will support you and believe in you, and maybe even help you themselves ... it can't help but make you feel something.

And I know even that can still lack to an extent. But ... all you can do is keep going, because if you don't, then you really will stay trapped. Use that bitterness, that anger as your fuel to keep doing what you'll always do, and keep making choices-- the choices you'll always make regardless of what she does with them. Maybe something won't line up with what she needs or wants, and that'll be a key. They're maybes, but ... all you can do when you feel truly trapped is keep striking the bars of the cage with all of that fueled anger until they either give or it kills you. And you don't just let yourself be killed so easily.

[ He keeps trying to focus his power on the room as well. That the right paths-- the truly right paths are hard to find because they seem like they all lead to the same things, the same feelings of being trapped. But there are so many of them and you can only see so far ahead. To keep going, no matter how repetitive it gets at least lets you keep moving, and keep searching until you're on the path you were searching for, or one that even slightly diverges from the rest that will lead you there. ]

From:

lucciola

It is really aggravating, to feel like that. That you truly have no control.

From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

[Roxy laughs, though it's bitter, hollow, very different from her usual laugh that doesn't seem to have any care and really are half snorts.] Bitterness as fuel?

[And Rook can see it. A little girl whose unsure if she believe the boy in the screen is real. If the grey text is really a friend. How she can only go beyond her area of the Neighborhood with white Carapacians because she doesn't trust going alone. How her bitterness almost got her and Dirk killed because she refused to play. The fear that her bitterness made her needlessly cruel to Dirk.]

[How her bitterness made her drink and drink and drink.]

[She crossed her arms, turning her back on them.]

How am I supposed to believe you understand when you say that? Bitterness is why I pondered not reviving a race.

Saying that shit can be useful, that is can help, then follow up it can all get better? How am I supposed to believe shit can go well with these stupid feelings.

[As she talks, it feels like pathways are closing down.]

From:

unguilded

I--

[ No Rook shut up like you know anything about this when you haven't remembered anything good happening for you in that regard-- just a cycle of figuring out how to get by without dying or feeling your sister's wrath and still feeling it anyway, trying to escape and being dragged back home. Nothing else he said even seems to have registered now because of that one thing. He shakes his head. ]

I'm sorry. I ... didn't mean it like that, channeling it in that way, I just-- people like UU-- those friends are what should be your main driving force even above that. Not...

[ It's all yours Lucciola because you got the phone up and now I'm getting pinged in my bad places I'm a fuckup hooray. \o\ ]

From:

lucciola

[yeah he... will hold his phone out for Dio so he can read the conversation before he turns to Roxy]

I... do not think it is about that. Sometimes, things will not go the way you want them to. Or make you feel better over your decisions. But... it does not make you a bad person, Roxy.

From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

[She freezes, tense.]

...how can you say that? Almost killed my friends, still pondering dooming a race?

Ignore what's good for my friends, just wanting to do what makes me feel better. Wanting to let those feelings fuel me.

How can I be a good person like that?

From:

unguilded

Because you feel as strongly as you do about those things. Whether you do them, whether you don't do them depending on if you want to or have to or not, and whether they work out as planned, whether you like what you do or hate it, the fact that you know what those things are, what's good and bad and what they mean and not lose sight of that, and still feel the ways you do about them is what makes you a good person.

From:

lucciola

... aah. As long as you know yourself what you feel about things, and realize the difference of what you believe is right or wrong. That shows that you are a good person. If you did not think or care about the consequences or results of whatever you were doing at all, whether they were good or bad... that would be different.

From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

And how would you know? It's easy to say stuff like that, but these feelings....they don't feel like a good person's feelings.

[Her back is still to them, arms wrapping around herself.]

From:

unguilded

They never do. But you can feel like a horrible person and not be one. And you can get worn down too, and nobody feels good when they feel that way. But your hopes for the outcome, for the future you want, is what makes you a good person. Those causing the suffering in your world like the Batterwitch are doing it because they're twisted, but you ... what you do is for the opposite of that, to stop it. That's the difference, no matter what those things are.

From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

...do you tell yourself that?

From:

lucciola

Sometimes, it is difficult to tell yourself those things... but the fact that you feel that way should be proof that you are a good person. Someone who is not would not... realize that.