thevoidsdarkhorse | Heart Game (Continued)

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From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

uh huh.

n im both supposed 2 believe ur fine when ppl who DO deal with epic lvl bullshit arent fine n believe u were a norm magician?

From:

carptricks

[ppppppause. he's not looking at her, instead focusing his gaze on the view ahead]

I'll save my story for another time.

[he finally says with an easy smile and a small shrug]

When I'm sure Roxy will actually remember it.

From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

fair nuff.

....

u can figure out why the horrific stuff exists. those r bad experiences.

but do u kno why despite knight light asking for help despite how much of me admitted we needed help...

why my heart kept hiding and make yall jump thru hoops to do it?

From:

carptricks

Because sometimes it's hard to trust people.

[that answer comes easily to him]

Trust them enough to show them the parts of you that you struggle to accept, or to be able to help you with them in the first place.

[gestures vaguely at the symbol on his shirt]

There's this thought-- this feeling-- that you've gotta do it all on your own. That to protect the people you care about you can't let them in, can't let then help.

From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

exactly that last 1, and then the rest though less of a chunk.

cuz in the end a rogue of void is a role of anonymity and nothingness. u dun do it for recognition or praise or anything like that. u do it cuz u feel u have to and when that happens nuff times u become convinced thats all u have to do.

youre meant to do things for others. theyre not meant to do things for you. u cant be a burden to them. u step back n surrender n dun fight for things u want when someone else can enjoy them in ur stead.

but in the end youre human. you cant live like that.

thats why pesterchum worked. cuz it was a lifeline. i probably wouldnt be here anymore if i hadnt had that dumb computer program growing up.

but i can have more than just barely scraping by. i can have more than just whats necessary to function and i need to be able to accept that.

n you. [She poked his shoulder.] should get that in ur head b4 u need a group taking a field trip in ur soul to break down harmful neurosis.

From:

carptricks

[you don't know me!!1 Nevertheless his smile is wry]

Technically they've already taken a field trip through it to remove a stupid infection.

. . . but I know your point.

[the number of people who have tried to beat that into his head for real]

From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

do dun invite a need for a 2nd one.

sides.

u think ill let u just go im fine im fine outside and let u fuss over me? i can guarantee that has worked for exactly no one and leads to just some epic fights where there r tears n no one is happy.

better to admit something is wrong n ur doing what u actually need 2 to deal then to lie to my face.

From:

carptricks

[draws one knee up to his torso and thunks his head against it with a grumble]

. . . I'm a little tired. Doom was kind of-- [personal? She hit close to home, anyway]

A-anyway, some of the things in here just reminded me of myself, s'all.

From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

[She smiles gently, relaxes a little herself.]

doom can be a handful. but one of us has to be hard in this heart unfortunately and it kind of falls to her.

not surprising. though maybe its not all bad?

From:

carptricks

I don't blame her for it.

I just don't want to resign myself to death the same way she did. Maybe I'm still optimistic, though. I dunno.

[that part is thoughtful]

And I don't think it's all bad, no. But this shouldn't be about me, anyway. Roxy's the one having a tough time, right?

From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

lol resigned? nah thats not rly the right word. if i was resigned i wouldnt keep fighting it. it wouldnt hurt as badly as it does. unless youre counting the fact i could leave ppl to die when i kno i cant save them but that still hurts too. its why i have to save who i can save. makes it bearable.

but its a lie to say death hasnt shaped who i am as a person. its made its impact n to ignore it is to deny a part of myself.

theres nothing wrong with being optimistic. at a certain scale it can be dangerous to not accept you cant save everyone but you should never assume the option is off the table til u have all the facts.

...

part of my tough time is feeling like a failure. that i cant make a difference. in truth a rogue of voids abilities r open ended nuff that its conceivable it could solve what happened but i cant convince myself that im good nuff to do that. to be the hero.

ive been feeling like a failure for a long time now like i cant help anyone when they actually need it.

thats why godtierring was important. thats why the question was important.

ppl needed to know that we need to be trusted as much as were willing to trust them.

From:

carptricks

[he's quiet as he listens, thoughtfully taking her words to heart and allowing them to shed new light on how her first perceived doom. resignation may not be the right word, and it is definitely fair to say death has shaped her, but. . .]

Then I guess it's more accurate to say I don't want to let death shape me.

[and he's trying not to let it]

. . . and for what it's worth, you're definitely not a failure. You've been through a lot. Done a lot.

And you've still got your future ahead of you, yeah? A chance to do even more.

From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

[There are several moments where Roxy just has this...thoughtful, concerned look on her face.]

you should be able to avoid it as long as it didnt take long to catch em i think

i believe that but as a whole roxy doesnt. ive seen the smaller victories and the few major ones but its hard to remember em when the failures pile on. thats why we wanted help to make it easier to realize we can still do things knight light n me.

From:

carptricks

[a nod, and he turns his attention towards the view again]

Did we help?

From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

you wouldnt be here if you didnt.

ill feel less alone when i wake up. thatll make a whole lotta diff.

From:

carptricks

[smile]

Rage told me that bonds and friendship are what soften the whispers of the void. So if not feeling alone strengthens her desire to exist, then that's something to feel accomplished about.

From:

thevoidsdarkhorse

they do. fills the emptiness so it doesnt feel all consuming. that or cuz u got a responsibility hard to say. like to think its the former.

less reason to walk. more reason to figure things out.