Today we had a game and it was one of the ones I hate. The sort where the goal is to socialize and make friends. It reminds me a lot of the parties nobles throw in Meltokio. Fake, transient and shallow. I would have left, but in Nyssa's last game Ventus got hit with a curse that said his feelings. It mentioned he wanted to know more about who he is. I'm trying to play as many games as I can to get him more shards.
We didn't win. I'll make dessert tonight for everyone to have something nice. During the game I talked to Roxy. A couple times actually. I'm not chill about this soul-void stuff. It feels like every time I get a grip on things it turns out it was a lie all along. What's a guy have to do to catch a break? Here's hoping I can keep it together this time. Something else she mentioned was not being able to get her feelings out. I remember Marta and Emil were like that too. They had a journal they shared to help them understand how the other felt. Who ever thought I'd be taking a page out of those kids' book? If it's for Roxy though I'll try anything once.
today i found out that i might have left some void in zelos soul. im not sure how bad or good that is. i know my void is supposed to help my teammates but i dunno what it does when it goes to others. callie said once only the people the void chooses can get it so it probs means my head is already screwy. but imma do what i can. hell maybe ill get my steal back soon. bet i could get it back again so he doesnt have to worry.
there was an anon game. it was...nice. it was easier. dont have to have pitying looks or peeps going 'dont worry about me' cuz i have it rough and
fuck
okay
i dont think im ready to dig into that non-anon right now.
there are 3 things youll need to keep in mind tho.
1. remember how i am with bad shit. i dont know how to rely on peeps for really bad shit and even if ive been learning i am still bad at it. this is my flaw no one elses.
2. whatever guilt/self loathing/what the fuck ever bad feels ur gonna have cuz of bad shit that happened u should only feel as much as you think im warranted for that shadow business. because its p much the exact same scenario just ur heart has some stuff that was less terrible. and what wrecked me isnt ur fault at all for specific reasons that is not a generic platitude.
3. u take a goddamn min or ten and u set aside every single bad feeling u suspect ur gonna have. what im about to write i want u to see what im trying to say not imagine all the ways of how youre terrible or should feel bad or any of that because that is NOT WHATS IMPORTANT ABOUT WHAT I AM GOING TO WRITE!!!
i am going to tell u something important and i want you to understand what it means. not what harm was done.
i remembered when i got fefeta. i wasnt surprised i knew it was coming. fefeta was made from my kernelsrpite which means kernelsprite wasnt used for mom. i knew it was comin and then i remembered it and i didnt know bout rose then. as far as i knew it was my only shot.
this fucking clown cmoes in and throws these dead trolls into my sprite and i absolutely lose it. i cant even really remembered what i did i just saw so much red and i wanted him dead. next thing i knew the clown was just gone and jane was looking worried scared.
then
i didnt break down. i dont know how to describe what it is. just shut down completely and
[There's a lot of letters, like she's trying to start, and can't get it down for several lines.]
im never going to see her.
ill have family. ill have rose but shes not the same woman. shes not the woman who left all these things to take care of me. who never got to see me and yet she did everything she could for me.
i have family coming and that helps a lot.
but it hurts too much to know that theres someone who loves me that much woh did that much and i could never even meet her.
Entry 1 - Zelos
Today we had a game and it was one of the ones I hate. The sort where the goal is to socialize and make friends. It reminds me a lot of the parties nobles throw in Meltokio. Fake, transient and shallow. I would have left, but in Nyssa's last game Ventus got hit with a curse that said his feelings. It mentioned he wanted to know more about who he is. I'm trying to play as many games as I can to get him more shards.
We didn't win. I'll make dessert tonight for everyone to have something nice. During the game I talked to Roxy. A couple times actually. I'm not chill about this soul-void stuff. It feels like every time I get a grip on things it turns out it was a lie all along. What's a guy have to do to catch a break? Here's hoping I can keep it together this time. Something else she mentioned was not being able to get her feelings out. I remember Marta and Emil were like that too. They had a journal they shared to help them understand how the other felt. Who ever thought I'd be taking a page out of those kids' book? If it's for Roxy though I'll try anything once.
Entry 3
Entry 6
Entry 1.5
there was an anon game. it was...nice. it was easier. dont have to have pitying looks or peeps going 'dont worry about me' cuz i have it rough and
fuck
okay
i dont think im ready to dig into that non-anon right now.
gonna wait until i can do this right
Entry 2
Intermission 0.5
there are 3 things youll need to keep in mind tho.
1. remember how i am with bad shit. i dont know how to rely on peeps for really bad shit and even if ive been learning i am still bad at it. this is my flaw no one elses.
2. whatever guilt/self loathing/what the fuck ever bad feels ur gonna have cuz of bad shit that happened
u should only feel as much as you think im warranted for that shadow business.
because its p much the exact same scenario just ur heart has some stuff that was less terrible.
and what wrecked me isnt ur fault at all for specific reasons that is not a generic platitude.
3. u take a goddamn min or ten and u set aside every single bad feeling u suspect ur gonna have. what im about to write i want u to see what im trying to say not imagine all the ways of how youre terrible or should feel bad or any of that because that is NOT WHATS IMPORTANT ABOUT WHAT I AM GOING TO WRITE!!!
i am going to tell u something important and i want you to understand what it means. not what harm was done.
Intermission 1
Entry 4? (3 is yours idk)
this fucking clown cmoes in and throws these dead trolls into my sprite and i absolutely lose it. i cant even really remembered what i did i just saw so much red and i wanted him dead. next thing i knew the clown was just gone and jane was looking worried scared.
then
i didnt break down. i dont know how to describe what it is. just shut down completely and
[There's a lot of letters, like she's trying to start, and can't get it down for several lines.]
im never going to see her.
ill have family. ill have rose but shes not the same woman. shes not the woman who left all these things to take care of me. who never got to see me and yet she did everything she could for me.
i have family coming and that helps a lot.
but it hurts too much to know that theres someone who loves me that much woh did that much and i could never even meet her.
and
i dont
[Just kind of ends there.]
Entry 4.5
Entry 4.7
Entry 5