Today we had a game and it was one of the ones I hate. The sort where the goal is to socialize and make friends. It reminds me a lot of the parties nobles throw in Meltokio. Fake, transient and shallow. I would have left, but in Nyssa's last game Ventus got hit with a curse that said his feelings. It mentioned he wanted to know more about who he is. I'm trying to play as many games as I can to get him more shards.
We didn't win. I'll make dessert tonight for everyone to have something nice. During the game I talked to Roxy. A couple times actually. I'm not chill about this soul-void stuff. It feels like every time I get a grip on things it turns out it was a lie all along. What's a guy have to do to catch a break? Here's hoping I can keep it together this time. Something else she mentioned was not being able to get her feelings out. I remember Marta and Emil were like that too. They had a journal they shared to help them understand how the other felt. Who ever thought I'd be taking a page out of those kids' book? If it's for Roxy though I'll try anything once.
"I'll get mad." I told Sheena that when she was going to take us too far. At that time it felt like it was for the best. But now I'm regretting everything. Why didn't I try. Why didn't I find the courage to make it work. What a pitiful train of thought. What's done is done. Get over it, Zelos.
Ventus is making me realize what I could have had. I told myself a long time ago I could never have a family outside of Seles. I still think that. I don't want anyone else to go through what Colette and I did. This stupid heart of mine is wishing for it anyway. I could have been [whatever was here has been scratched away] Kidding. The last thing I need is to sympathize with Kratos.
Nafuna had a game. Gloss opened up more. Sol was able to help people. Ventus felt like he finally had a place on the team. I hit Roxy. We made it through in one piece. Nobody guessed I was assigning the face of a dead person to every two-bit phantasm in that game. It's hard not to think of those I knew in Nafuna's games. They remind me of Tethe'alla that much. Which isn't saying much for the land of my birth, you don't have to tell me.
We finished all right, but that wasn't the same for everyone else. I chose helping others over helping Roxy. Which had the expected outcome. I don't have the right to feel hurt by it, but I always do anyway. Enough so I turned off as much of my humanity as I could rather than facing her about it. I should be careful with that. It was the best I could do to meet her expectations at the time. First I hit her, then I lie to her. Upholding my usual track record as always.
I think this is depressing enough for one entry. Maybe I'll write about everything else another time.
[Before he left Zelos ripped a page out of the journal. Whenever he gets back he'll tape it haphazardly back in. Sorry he is not a book maker, how does he make these things look nice.]
I said I'd write in this. But I never know what to put. I'm going to do something different.
[Several words in angelic are written here. The way they connect, piled atop one another, their lines and curves intersecting here and there, form a picture. A graceful tree with a broad reaching canopy. Zelos might not be able to draw for shit, but he was schooled in penmanship and prevalent calligraphic styles and symbols, the same as the rest of the noble caste.]
Once upon a time, there existed a tree that was the source of all mana. It was the elves' tree, brought from their home of Derris-Kharlan. They called it the Great Kharlan Tree.
But the world encompassed more than just the elves. There were the dwarves and the protozoans, the summon spirits and the humans. And there were the half-elves. Neither human or elf, but something caught between.
The elves cultivated the forests. The dwarves mined the earth. The humans drew borders to form lands they called countries. Over time many countries were created and just as many were dissolved. Eventually two stood above the rest. The humans called them Tethe'alla and Sylvarant. Where many other countries had failed they persevered. This was because they enslaved half-elves, prevailing on them to fuse magic and technology together into the powerful magitechnology.
A war erupted between them, dragging the other countries and races onto the battlefield. This was the start of the Kharlan War that was fought for a thousand years.
. . .
The ancient Kharlan War ended four thousand years ago. The world has been paying for it ever since. My existence is a direct consequence of what happened all that time ago. It's no chance of fate that I was born or that I was the Chosen. It was engineered down to my genes.
I struggled with this for a long time. I overcame it at one point. It didn't matter if I was a creation or a puppet. And then I came here and I lost everything. That's not a euphemism or a dramatic metaphor.
The Zelos of my memories doesn't exist anymore.
I don't want to tell anyone. I don't even like writing it. Whenever we leave here I'd really appreciate it if you burn this page. But that's the truth of it I learned in Guy's heart. Nobody's to blame, but myself for not being stronger and the Reapers for fucking me up in the first place. I just have to live with it.
I have my choices. I can keep doing what I've been doing. Try to be that Zelos again. Be someone different. I could walk away if I wanted.
I'm not sure yet. But it feels nice to finally have the time to put things in perspective. Ridiculous how when I'm in the dorm and you're all asleep, or pretending to be asleep in Gloss and Akio's case and sometimes yours, I want to slip away and not come back. But I spend a day away and want to share things with all of you already. Not that I would. Because I never do. But I like having the option.
I have a pretty picky heart. But you already knew that.
I could write about a lot of things here. Watching Technic's soul slip away from his eyes. Lloyd and the others told me about when it happened to Colette. But I never thought about what it must have been like to be there. It's sick. Watching the last pieces of a person who had hopes and dreams just like anyone else disappear. I've seen a lot of people die. But this was worse.
I remembered becoming an angel. Seles's pain when I took my Cruxis Crystal back. Our last words were so hostile. Fake. We couldn't say the things we wanted to even to the end. And then I led the others into a trap.
I saw space. It was right outside the windows in Welgaia. The stars were so close and far away at the same time. Being hunted and attacked in the rain slick streets of the slums. There were Mizuho scouts there. If it was before or after my trip with Sheena I don't know.
Maybe they killed me. It sure hurt like hell.
I hate how my memories come back. Sometimes it's everything at once, sometimes it's small pieces I can't hope to make sense of.
This isn't making any sense I bet.
I guess if I'm going to put anything here I'll say I was really afraid when you disappeared. Your mirror was still there, but you weren't. When you didn't show up for breakfast I knew something was wrong. I looked all over. The other dorms, the pod room, the forest, the cove. I kind of guessed what had happened. I checked the edge of the void, but then the bells rang. I would have gone anyway. But I didn't think you'd be able to look at me if I let Akio or Sol get hurt.
It's crazy. Even writing this I feel like something will see and take you away. I don't know if that feeling will ever stop.
But don't read this and think you have to stay with me. I've lived through a lot more than most of the rest of you. Pretend that's not an old man thing to say. I can't help the truth. I don't want to hold you back.
[On the back of the paper is a drawing of Zelos's mirror with each shard labeled with a number. Next to it is a list of numbers with corresponding dates beside them. They're ordered in a timeline starting with the earliest memory of his life and ending with the one he knows as his most recent. A few have a (?) next to them to signify he doesn't know their date or exact place in everything. But for the most part he has a date for every shard.]
today i found out that i might have left some void in zelos soul. im not sure how bad or good that is. i know my void is supposed to help my teammates but i dunno what it does when it goes to others. callie said once only the people the void chooses can get it so it probs means my head is already screwy. but imma do what i can. hell maybe ill get my steal back soon. bet i could get it back again so he doesnt have to worry.
there was an anon game. it was...nice. it was easier. dont have to have pitying looks or peeps going 'dont worry about me' cuz i have it rough and
fuck
okay
i dont think im ready to dig into that non-anon right now.
nnnnneeeeeway i said id write when i can do it right
there was a game yesterday with fucking nafuna. hate nafuna. not super hate like nyssa but god i hate her. something about industrialization making suffering just sets me on all sorts of fucking edges and idk why. like its not my usual echo wants to make others suffer edge there is just something about HERS that rubs me wrong.
zelos said i needed to be more understanding. tbh i dont know what to do when he says things liek that. i tried to figure out what i wasnt understanding and i dont think i got it right because he didnt get that surprised look he gets when i do manage to recover from shit like that. its not just him. theres other times where i know i dont understand things and im worried theres always going to be these things i dont get. i really hate it. i hate not knowing and not understanding. i know it makes sense that its hard because psychology but i still hate it.
i want to. i want to understand people i want to be better at the empathy thing. i try to learn and sometimes i do and sometimes i get i right but it feels like its never enough.
there was also the food thing in the game. ventus decided to starve and i don't know why. i don't know why there had to be a variation but they were so insistent and i dont know why. it didnt help my confusion with all the paying for shit. maybe if i knew more about how it worked id get it but i dont know. i don't know why we couldnt all go a little hungry and avoided starvation at all.
and [There's writing that's then scribbled out for about two lines.]
fuck no doing this right
i felt unsafe with ratatoskr for the first time. upset mad fighting sad felt all that shit but i always felt SAFE with rats as safe as i ever do ever did. gloss fucking picked it up and my god i kind of hate myself because i know it wouldnt happen. humans arent carapacians. my team wouldnt try to eat me but i couldnt get rid of the feeling. i wouldnt have managed to let ventus do it if gloss hadnt reassured me and ventus hadnt called us family
family wouldnt do that and still fucking had that feeling
after the game were dead people in vines and
no cant touch that yet either
i got a mem though!
callie uh died but its okay because we got a way to revive her! unfortunately wren is probs from my world and that sucks because no one should be from my world it sucks esp for trolls. also im my own mom genetically and omfg why is that a thing. but i know my mom-daughters name! its rose. pretty name for a pretty daughter thing.
there was this dude i call j sock cause i didnt say his name. he looked like jake and hes godtier too. he told me all bout their teams adventures so i guess i have that memory to look forward too. i dont know why but for some reason i was really happy to know they were there and that at least him and rose (hehe i can write her name) werent corrupted. like them being there meant things would be all right. things never feel like theyd be all right in my memories so its a nice change of pace.
hes gonna help me plan to get jane and jake free. dirks mia but its dirk hell figure shit out. i dont know what else he did before i remembered but i think he was making me feel a lot better. last memory i had in my cell was basically 'fuck that noise' about everything and =T feels. not sure when the last time was that i felt so hopeful in my memories but it helps.
...he also apparently came to find me. on roses orders but he came to help me and that just. it makes me happy.
there are 3 things youll need to keep in mind tho.
1. remember how i am with bad shit. i dont know how to rely on peeps for really bad shit and even if ive been learning i am still bad at it. this is my flaw no one elses.
2. whatever guilt/self loathing/what the fuck ever bad feels ur gonna have cuz of bad shit that happened u should only feel as much as you think im warranted for that shadow business. because its p much the exact same scenario just ur heart has some stuff that was less terrible. and what wrecked me isnt ur fault at all for specific reasons that is not a generic platitude.
3. u take a goddamn min or ten and u set aside every single bad feeling u suspect ur gonna have. what im about to write i want u to see what im trying to say not imagine all the ways of how youre terrible or should feel bad or any of that because that is NOT WHATS IMPORTANT ABOUT WHAT I AM GOING TO WRITE!!!
i am going to tell u something important and i want you to understand what it means. not what harm was done.
it was horrible. not everything hurt but a lot did. there was pain. there was loneliness. death blood helplessness. there was damage everywhere. cracks and an ocean of fear that i think was probs under everything.
there were versions of you. a child lying to themselves, another who lied to everyone, one who trusted too much, and another who just wanted to escape. but there were one who could go everywhere if people called. he was so beaten up though. he looked like hed been through hell and back.
but he helped. him and a fox. we just had to think to call.
thats what wrecked me in the end. thats why what happened was my own fault. i forgot that but more than that.
i made a decision i knew you wouldnt want me to make and i did because of my own flaw.
and i realized that after i saw your wings as a child and realized what they made me think.
it was the moment i stopped trusting you that i fell.
because there was danger. there was pain. there was hell. but everything before that point could be conquered. it could be overcome. there was solutions everywhere and now that ive thought about it i know what i should have done but didnt because i stopped trusting you.
you were hurt. splintered and cracked. afraid and angry.
but nothing was beyond saving. nothing was impossible to beat.
because that is the kind of person you are.
youre half right.
it wont fix easy. it wont just get better.
but youre not weak. strength is not the ability to deal with shit. strength is still trying despite how hard it is. beaten and broken and despairing you still go forward anyway. whatever reasons you do dont negate that and dont negate how strong you are.
i remembered when i got fefeta. i wasnt surprised i knew it was coming. fefeta was made from my kernelsrpite which means kernelsprite wasnt used for mom. i knew it was comin and then i remembered it and i didnt know bout rose then. as far as i knew it was my only shot.
this fucking clown cmoes in and throws these dead trolls into my sprite and i absolutely lose it. i cant even really remembered what i did i just saw so much red and i wanted him dead. next thing i knew the clown was just gone and jane was looking worried scared.
then
i didnt break down. i dont know how to describe what it is. just shut down completely and
[There's a lot of letters, like she's trying to start, and can't get it down for several lines.]
im never going to see her.
ill have family. ill have rose but shes not the same woman. shes not the woman who left all these things to take care of me. who never got to see me and yet she did everything she could for me.
i have family coming and that helps a lot.
but it hurts too much to know that theres someone who loves me that much woh did that much and i could never even meet her.
i know whats wrong with me. know for a while now. not used to peeps not used to there being more not used to having some sort of options sides clinging to what little i have. i love my friends but there are times i wonder if we would have been friends if our sitch wasnt so desperate. if we werent all we had. makes me sad but considering how epic our meltdowns are we might not have lasted otherwise.
the thing is there was a distance between us 2. dirk and i were close but jake and jane always have some distance and i was never fully honest with them. i play this game was talking in circles and hiding things and i dun know why exactly but i can guess.
i needed to survive. i needed to keep functioning and going and i couldnt stop i couldnt think i couldnt focus on what happened and then i did HREE and i think its tearing me apart.
i wanted to try and be honest with people. i told them what was wrong i opened up i let them see all the cracks and it keeps blowing up in my face. i have so many people who promise they wont leave but then they DO and no its not just you i dont even want to list how many people in pods made the same fucking promise and i hate it.
i dont want promise of wont leave because it just makes it hurt more.
whats worse is it feels like they were lost before that because the moment i open up is the moment they pull away. they offer care and support but they treat me like delicate glass and wont let me help and theres this wall of oh poor roxy and i dont want that i cant take it i cant its not
so i apparently need a fucking tether when i sleep. now im floating back in the direction of kyriakos because i ended up several hours out. fucking joy of joys.
tho i guess theres one advantage. its easier to think out here and try to sort out what i need to.
i spent a long time watching after myself. carapacians were really only good enough to cover the basics and that only lasted so long. i dont know how to be taken care of. the concept is so foreign that i just dont know how to handle it.
and the thing is i dont think i ever will. for a while i think ive been hoping after everything i would find a way to get better. i dont know if thats what you were trying to do but i think a lot of people were and i realized something.
i cant recover. i cant 'get better.' i grew up the last of my genocided race with aliens who would sometimes see me as food and i couldn't even see another human being in person until i was almost sixteen. ive seen the universe burn down around me. there is no 'better' from that. its going to be a huge fucking scar on my psyche for as long as i live. its like a lost limb in not magical healing land. that limb is just going to be fucking gone and nothing is going to change that.
but you can live with it. and the thing is i can live with this. its what i learned to do. i think thats been part of the problem when i open up to people. yes sometimes its going to hurt and i need a hug but so many people treat me like a delicate flower and im NOT. sure some stuff is gonna trigger me and suck but id rather it just be dealt with head on instead of tiptoed around until theres an explosion because i hate the fucking explosions.
i lived thru all of that shit. i survived it. sure some was with fucking self delusion and lies but i could still do what needed doing.
its why sparrow is so important to me. she realized that. someone could be be fine and still be sad still hurt. ended up being compelled into telling her my universe is gone and she said that and i cant even describe how much of a relief it was. how much of a relief it is.
it sucks and hurts and sometimes i want to cry about it but i can live with it. it doesnt mean i cant deal with other shit.
cause i do.
hey zelos did ya know the carapacians are actually the npcs of the game? because thats what they are. i kind of kept that under wraps though because i know a lot of people cant see the npcs as real. i didnt want to bring down the team because i couldnt get over something that others probs wouldnt see as rational.
im someone who knows she cant save everyone so makes due with what she can. thats the kind of person i am. im used to things being shitty and dealing with the shitty as long as i can do a little bit. thats all i need. i dont need extremes because ive had too little to expect it to happen.
but thats not what i realized. i was grasping at what i wanted and couldnt figure it out and i think i might have it now. i do want to be taken care of a little bit. i dont want to deal with everything on my own as hard as i make it for others to help me. really need to learn better. but i do like it. when people will cook for me or hug me or tell me stories.
i
i like to think that right now even as i float back u guys have noticed im gone. that i could be captured or something and id be missed. not just second priority to some stupid love triangle bullshit.
okay that might be projecting a bit my friends were kind of accidental dicks. =/
i want to be noticed.
but thats not all i want. i cant take it if thats all i get. its too overwhelming and HURTS and makes me lost.
im a rogue of void. this is a big part of who i am. and i dont resent it. what it makes me i want and support. im meant to help others. im meant to live helping them. for all the mind fuckery there may be involved with void its not enough to negate the things it will let me do. and im not unhappy in my compulsion to help whether thats how i was always meant to be or because my role made me.
and thats why i havent been able to connect with people i think.
its either i cant depend on them or they wont depend on me.
ive been thinking about my mom. what id want if i got her. and i dont get this idea everything is magically better and she saved me or anything. shed just be there and shed care and id be important and wed figure it out from there. id save her and shed save me.
and thats why i could let ventus take the starvation.
i want family. i want everything that family is.
i dont want to be better or whole or to fix the worlds problems or any of that.
i want to have people that i can depend on and trust. not for honesty because pouring out my guts is just opening up the wound but to do shit. that i can know will get my back and catch me when i fall or when im weak. but i also want to do the same in turn. i want to know the situation i dont want to be tiptoed around or unhurt. if it hurts then ill deal with it because if it means i can actually help those important to me then its WORTH it.
i want to save and be saved. i want people there for the good times and the bad and i want to be there for them at the same time.
i want to know there are people with me for taking on all the fuckery the multiverse is gonna throw at us.
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branchandroot
Entry 1 - Zelos
Date: 2014-07-08 05:45 am (UTC)Today we had a game and it was one of the ones I hate. The sort where the goal is to socialize and make friends. It reminds me a lot of the parties nobles throw in Meltokio. Fake, transient and shallow. I would have left, but in Nyssa's last game Ventus got hit with a curse that said his feelings. It mentioned he wanted to know more about who he is. I'm trying to play as many games as I can to get him more shards.
We didn't win. I'll make dessert tonight for everyone to have something nice. During the game I talked to Roxy. A couple times actually. I'm not chill about this soul-void stuff. It feels like every time I get a grip on things it turns out it was a lie all along. What's a guy have to do to catch a break? Here's hoping I can keep it together this time. Something else she mentioned was not being able to get her feelings out. I remember Marta and Emil were like that too. They had a journal they shared to help them understand how the other felt. Who ever thought I'd be taking a page out of those kids' book? If it's for Roxy though I'll try anything once.
Entry 3
Date: 2014-07-13 03:57 pm (UTC)Ventus is making me realize what I could have had. I told myself a long time ago I could never have a family outside of Seles. I still think that. I don't want anyone else to go through what Colette and I did. This stupid heart of mine is wishing for it anyway. I could have been [whatever was here has been scratched away] Kidding. The last thing I need is to sympathize with Kratos.
Nafuna had a game. Gloss opened up more. Sol was able to help people. Ventus felt like he finally had a place on the team. I hit Roxy. We made it through in one piece. Nobody guessed I was assigning the face of a dead person to every two-bit phantasm in that game. It's hard not to think of those I knew in Nafuna's games. They remind me of Tethe'alla that much. Which isn't saying much for the land of my birth, you don't have to tell me.
We finished all right, but that wasn't the same for everyone else. I chose helping others over helping Roxy. Which had the expected outcome. I don't have the right to feel hurt by it, but I always do anyway. Enough so I turned off as much of my humanity as I could rather than facing her about it. I should be careful with that. It was the best I could do to meet her expectations at the time. First I hit her, then I lie to her. Upholding my usual track record as always.
I think this is depressing enough for one entry. Maybe I'll write about everything else another time.
Entry 6
Date: 2014-09-14 05:28 pm (UTC)I said I'd write in this. But I never know what to put. I'm going to do something different.
[Several words in angelic are written here. The way they connect, piled atop one another, their lines and curves intersecting here and there, form a picture. A graceful tree with a broad reaching canopy. Zelos might not be able to draw for shit, but he was schooled in penmanship and prevalent calligraphic styles and symbols, the same as the rest of the noble caste.]
Once upon a time, there existed a tree that was the source of all mana. It was the elves' tree, brought from their home of Derris-Kharlan. They called it the Great Kharlan Tree.
But the world encompassed more than just the elves. There were the dwarves and the protozoans, the summon spirits and the humans. And there were the half-elves. Neither human or elf, but something caught between.
The elves cultivated the forests. The dwarves mined the earth. The humans drew borders to form lands they called countries. Over time many countries were created and just as many were dissolved. Eventually two stood above the rest. The humans called them Tethe'alla and Sylvarant. Where many other countries had failed they persevered. This was because they enslaved half-elves, prevailing on them to fuse magic and technology together into the powerful magitechnology.
A war erupted between them, dragging the other countries and races onto the battlefield. This was the start of the Kharlan War that was fought for a thousand years.
The ancient Kharlan War ended four thousand years ago. The world has been paying for it ever since. My existence is a direct consequence of what happened all that time ago. It's no chance of fate that I was born or that I was the Chosen. It was engineered down to my genes.
I struggled with this for a long time. I overcame it at one point. It didn't matter if I was a creation or a puppet. And then I came here and I lost everything. That's not a euphemism or a dramatic metaphor.
The Zelos of my memories doesn't exist anymore.
I don't want to tell anyone. I don't even like writing it. Whenever we leave here I'd really appreciate it if you burn this page. But that's the truth of it I learned in Guy's heart. Nobody's to blame, but myself for not being stronger and the Reapers for fucking me up in the first place. I just have to live with it.
I have my choices. I can keep doing what I've been doing. Try to be that Zelos again. Be someone different. I could walk away if I wanted.
I'm not sure yet. But it feels nice to finally have the time to put things in perspective. Ridiculous how when I'm in the dorm and you're all asleep, or pretending to be asleep in Gloss and Akio's case and sometimes yours, I want to slip away and not come back. But I spend a day away and want to share things with all of you already. Not that I would. Because I never do. But I like having the option.
I have a pretty picky heart. But you already knew that.
I could write about a lot of things here. Watching Technic's soul slip away from his eyes. Lloyd and the others told me about when it happened to Colette. But I never thought about what it must have been like to be there. It's sick. Watching the last pieces of a person who had hopes and dreams just like anyone else disappear. I've seen a lot of people die. But this was worse.
I remembered becoming an angel. Seles's pain when I took my Cruxis Crystal back. Our last words were so hostile. Fake. We couldn't say the things we wanted to even to the end. And then I led the others into a trap.
I saw space. It was right outside the windows in Welgaia. The stars were so close and far away at the same time. Being hunted and attacked in the rain slick streets of the slums. There were Mizuho scouts there. If it was before or after my trip with Sheena I don't know.
Maybe they killed me. It sure hurt like hell.
I hate how my memories come back. Sometimes it's everything at once, sometimes it's small pieces I can't hope to make sense of.
This isn't making any sense I bet.
I guess if I'm going to put anything here I'll say I was really afraid when you disappeared. Your mirror was still there, but you weren't. When you didn't show up for breakfast I knew something was wrong. I looked all over. The other dorms, the pod room, the forest, the cove. I kind of guessed what had happened. I checked the edge of the void, but then the bells rang. I would have gone anyway. But I didn't think you'd be able to look at me if I let Akio or Sol get hurt.
It's crazy. Even writing this I feel like something will see and take you away. I don't know if that feeling will ever stop.
But don't read this and think you have to stay with me. I've lived through a lot more than most of the rest of you. Pretend that's not an old man thing to say. I can't help the truth. I don't want to hold you back.
[On the back of the paper is a drawing of Zelos's mirror with each shard labeled with a number. Next to it is a list of numbers with corresponding dates beside them. They're ordered in a timeline starting with the earliest memory of his life and ending with the one he knows as his most recent. A few have a (?) next to them to signify he doesn't know their date or exact place in everything. But for the most part he has a date for every shard.]
Entry 1.5
Date: 2014-07-10 11:15 pm (UTC)there was an anon game. it was...nice. it was easier. dont have to have pitying looks or peeps going 'dont worry about me' cuz i have it rough and
fuck
okay
i dont think im ready to dig into that non-anon right now.
gonna wait until i can do this right
Entry 2
Date: 2014-07-11 12:04 am (UTC)writing while hungover
idek why i thought this was a brilliant idea fml
nnnnneeeeeway i said id write when i can do it right
there was a game yesterday with fucking nafuna. hate nafuna. not super hate like nyssa but god i hate her. something about industrialization making suffering just sets me on all sorts of fucking edges and idk why. like its not my usual echo wants to make others suffer edge there is just something about HERS that rubs me wrong.
zelos said i needed to be more understanding. tbh i dont know what to do when he says things liek that. i tried to figure out what i wasnt understanding and i dont think i got it right because he didnt get that surprised look he gets when i do manage to recover from shit like that. its not just him. theres other times where i know i dont understand things and im worried theres always going to be these things i dont get. i really hate it. i hate not knowing and not understanding. i know it makes sense that its hard because psychology but i still hate it.
i want to. i want to understand people i want to be better at the empathy thing. i try to learn and sometimes i do and sometimes i get i right but it feels like its never enough.
there was also the food thing in the game. ventus decided to starve and i don't know why. i don't know why there had to be a variation but they were so insistent and i dont know why. it didnt help my confusion with all the paying for shit. maybe if i knew more about how it worked id get it but i dont know. i don't know why we couldnt all go a little hungry and avoided starvation at all.
and [There's writing that's then scribbled out for about two lines.]
fuck no doing this right
i felt unsafe with ratatoskr for the first time. upset mad fighting sad felt all that shit but i always felt SAFE with rats as safe as i ever do ever did. gloss fucking picked it up and my god i kind of hate myself because i know it wouldnt happen. humans arent carapacians. my team wouldnt try to eat me but i couldnt get rid of the feeling. i wouldnt have managed to let ventus do it if gloss hadnt reassured me and ventus hadnt called us family
family wouldnt do that and still fucking had that feeling
after the game were dead people in vines and
no cant touch that yet either
i got a mem though!
callie uh died but its okay because we got a way to revive her! unfortunately wren is probs from my world and that sucks because no one should be from my world it sucks esp for trolls. also im my own mom genetically and omfg why is that a thing. but i know my mom-daughters name! its rose. pretty name for a pretty daughter thing.
there was this dude i call j sock cause i didnt say his name. he looked like jake and hes godtier too. he told me all bout their teams adventures so i guess i have that memory to look forward too. i dont know why but for some reason i was really happy to know they were there and that at least him and rose (hehe i can write her name) werent corrupted. like them being there meant things would be all right. things never feel like theyd be all right in my memories so its a nice change of pace.
hes gonna help me plan to get jane and jake free. dirks mia but its dirk hell figure shit out. i dont know what else he did before i remembered but i think he was making me feel a lot better. last memory i had in my cell was basically 'fuck that noise' about everything and =T feels. not sure when the last time was that i felt so hopeful in my memories but it helps.
...he also apparently came to find me. on roses orders but he came to help me and that just. it makes me happy.
Intermission 0.5
Date: 2014-07-26 09:53 pm (UTC)there are 3 things youll need to keep in mind tho.
1. remember how i am with bad shit. i dont know how to rely on peeps for really bad shit and even if ive been learning i am still bad at it. this is my flaw no one elses.
2. whatever guilt/self loathing/what the fuck ever bad feels ur gonna have cuz of bad shit that happened
u should only feel as much as you think im warranted for that shadow business.
because its p much the exact same scenario just ur heart has some stuff that was less terrible.
and what wrecked me isnt ur fault at all for specific reasons that is not a generic platitude.
3. u take a goddamn min or ten and u set aside every single bad feeling u suspect ur gonna have. what im about to write i want u to see what im trying to say not imagine all the ways of how youre terrible or should feel bad or any of that because that is NOT WHATS IMPORTANT ABOUT WHAT I AM GOING TO WRITE!!!
i am going to tell u something important and i want you to understand what it means. not what harm was done.
Intermission 1
Date: 2014-07-26 10:29 pm (UTC)there were versions of you. a child lying to themselves, another who lied to everyone, one who trusted too much, and another who just wanted to escape. but there were one who could go everywhere if people called. he was so beaten up though. he looked like hed been through hell and back.
but he helped. him and a fox. we just had to think to call.
thats what wrecked me in the end. thats why what happened was my own fault. i forgot that but more than that.
i made a decision i knew you wouldnt want me to make and i did because of my own flaw.
and i realized that after i saw your wings as a child and realized what they made me think.
it was the moment i stopped trusting you that i fell.
because there was danger. there was pain. there was hell. but everything before that point could be conquered. it could be overcome. there was solutions everywhere and now that ive thought about it i know what i should have done but didnt because i stopped trusting you.
you were hurt. splintered and cracked. afraid and angry.
but nothing was beyond saving. nothing was impossible to beat.
because that is the kind of person you are.
youre half right.
it wont fix easy. it wont just get better.
but youre not weak. strength is not the ability to deal with shit. strength is still trying despite how hard it is. beaten and broken and despairing you still go forward anyway. whatever reasons you do dont negate that and dont negate how strong you are.
your heart proved that.
Entry 4? (3 is yours idk)
Date: 2014-08-07 03:38 am (UTC)this fucking clown cmoes in and throws these dead trolls into my sprite and i absolutely lose it. i cant even really remembered what i did i just saw so much red and i wanted him dead. next thing i knew the clown was just gone and jane was looking worried scared.
then
i didnt break down. i dont know how to describe what it is. just shut down completely and
[There's a lot of letters, like she's trying to start, and can't get it down for several lines.]
im never going to see her.
ill have family. ill have rose but shes not the same woman. shes not the woman who left all these things to take care of me. who never got to see me and yet she did everything she could for me.
i have family coming and that helps a lot.
but it hurts too much to know that theres someone who loves me that much woh did that much and i could never even meet her.
and
i dont
[Just kind of ends there.]
Entry 4.5
Date: 2014-08-20 10:46 am (UTC)the thing is there was a distance between us 2. dirk and i were close but jake and jane always have some distance and i was never fully honest with them. i play this game was talking in circles and hiding things and i dun know why exactly but i can guess.
i needed to survive. i needed to keep functioning and going and i couldnt stop i couldnt think i couldnt focus on what happened and then i did HREE and i think its tearing me apart.
i wanted to try and be honest with people. i told them what was wrong i opened up i let them see all the cracks and it keeps blowing up in my face. i have so many people who promise they wont leave but then they DO and no its not just you i dont even want to list how many people in pods made the same fucking promise and i hate it.
i dont want promise of wont leave because it just makes it hurt more.
whats worse is it feels like they were lost before that because the moment i open up is the moment they pull away. they offer care and support but they treat me like delicate glass and wont let me help and theres this wall of oh poor roxy and i dont want that i cant take it i cant its not
it doesnt WORK
its not what i want its not
[ends there]
Entry 4.7
Date: 2014-08-20 10:47 am (UTC)tho i guess theres one advantage. its easier to think out here and try to sort out what i need to.
i spent a long time watching after myself. carapacians were really only good enough to cover the basics and that only lasted so long. i dont know how to be taken care of. the concept is so foreign that i just dont know how to handle it.
and the thing is i dont think i ever will. for a while i think ive been hoping after everything i would find a way to get better. i dont know if thats what you were trying to do but i think a lot of people were and i realized something.
i cant recover. i cant 'get better.' i grew up the last of my genocided race with aliens who would sometimes see me as food and i couldn't even see another human being in person until i was almost sixteen. ive seen the universe burn down around me. there is no 'better' from that. its going to be a huge fucking scar on my psyche for as long as i live. its like a lost limb in not magical healing land. that limb is just going to be fucking gone and nothing is going to change that.
but you can live with it. and the thing is i can live with this. its what i learned to do. i think thats been part of the problem when i open up to people. yes sometimes its going to hurt and i need a hug but so many people treat me like a delicate flower and im NOT. sure some stuff is gonna trigger me and suck but id rather it just be dealt with head on instead of tiptoed around until theres an explosion because i hate the fucking explosions.
i lived thru all of that shit. i survived it. sure some was with fucking self delusion and lies but i could still do what needed doing.
its why sparrow is so important to me. she realized that. someone could be be fine and still be sad still hurt. ended up being compelled into telling her my universe is gone and she said that and i cant even describe how much of a relief it was. how much of a relief it is.
it sucks and hurts and sometimes i want to cry about it but i can live with it. it doesnt mean i cant deal with other shit.
cause i do.
hey zelos did ya know the carapacians are actually the npcs of the game? because thats what they are. i kind of kept that under wraps though because i know a lot of people cant see the npcs as real. i didnt want to bring down the team because i couldnt get over something that others probs wouldnt see as rational.
im someone who knows she cant save everyone so makes due with what she can. thats the kind of person i am. im used to things being shitty and dealing with the shitty as long as i can do a little bit. thats all i need. i dont need extremes because ive had too little to expect it to happen.
Entry 5
Date: 2014-08-20 11:36 am (UTC)i
i like to think that right now even as i float back u guys have noticed im gone. that i could be captured or something and id be missed. not just second priority to some stupid love triangle bullshit.
okay that might be projecting a bit my friends were kind of accidental dicks. =/
i want to be noticed.
but thats not all i want. i cant take it if thats all i get. its too overwhelming and HURTS and makes me lost.
im a rogue of void. this is a big part of who i am. and i dont resent it. what it makes me i want and support. im meant to help others. im meant to live helping them. for all the mind fuckery there may be involved with void its not enough to negate the things it will let me do. and im not unhappy in my compulsion to help whether thats how i was always meant to be or because my role made me.
and thats why i havent been able to connect with people i think.
its either i cant depend on them or they wont depend on me.
ive been thinking about my mom. what id want if i got her. and i dont get this idea everything is magically better and she saved me or anything. shed just be there and shed care and id be important and wed figure it out from there. id save her and shed save me.
and thats why i could let ventus take the starvation.
i want family. i want everything that family is.
i dont want to be better or whole or to fix the worlds problems or any of that.
i want to have people that i can depend on and trust. not for honesty because pouring out my guts is just opening up the wound but to do shit. that i can know will get my back and catch me when i fall or when im weak. but i also want to do the same in turn. i want to know the situation i dont want to be tiptoed around or unhurt. if it hurts then ill deal with it because if it means i can actually help those important to me then its WORTH it.
i want to save and be saved. i want people there for the good times and the bad and i want to be there for them at the same time.
i want to know there are people with me for taking on all the fuckery the multiverse is gonna throw at us.