but thats not what i realized. i was grasping at what i wanted and couldnt figure it out and i think i might have it now. i do want to be taken care of a little bit. i dont want to deal with everything on my own as hard as i make it for others to help me. really need to learn better. but i do like it. when people will cook for me or hug me or tell me stories.
i
i like to think that right now even as i float back u guys have noticed im gone. that i could be captured or something and id be missed. not just second priority to some stupid love triangle bullshit.
okay that might be projecting a bit my friends were kind of accidental dicks. =/
i want to be noticed.
but thats not all i want. i cant take it if thats all i get. its too overwhelming and HURTS and makes me lost.
im a rogue of void. this is a big part of who i am. and i dont resent it. what it makes me i want and support. im meant to help others. im meant to live helping them. for all the mind fuckery there may be involved with void its not enough to negate the things it will let me do. and im not unhappy in my compulsion to help whether thats how i was always meant to be or because my role made me.
and thats why i havent been able to connect with people i think.
its either i cant depend on them or they wont depend on me.
ive been thinking about my mom. what id want if i got her. and i dont get this idea everything is magically better and she saved me or anything. shed just be there and shed care and id be important and wed figure it out from there. id save her and shed save me.
and thats why i could let ventus take the starvation.
i want family. i want everything that family is.
i dont want to be better or whole or to fix the worlds problems or any of that.
i want to have people that i can depend on and trust. not for honesty because pouring out my guts is just opening up the wound but to do shit. that i can know will get my back and catch me when i fall or when im weak. but i also want to do the same in turn. i want to know the situation i dont want to be tiptoed around or unhurt. if it hurts then ill deal with it because if it means i can actually help those important to me then its WORTH it.
i want to save and be saved. i want people there for the good times and the bad and i want to be there for them at the same time.
i want to know there are people with me for taking on all the fuckery the multiverse is gonna throw at us.
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branchandroot
Entry 5
Date: 2014-08-20 11:36 am (UTC)i
i like to think that right now even as i float back u guys have noticed im gone. that i could be captured or something and id be missed. not just second priority to some stupid love triangle bullshit.
okay that might be projecting a bit my friends were kind of accidental dicks. =/
i want to be noticed.
but thats not all i want. i cant take it if thats all i get. its too overwhelming and HURTS and makes me lost.
im a rogue of void. this is a big part of who i am. and i dont resent it. what it makes me i want and support. im meant to help others. im meant to live helping them. for all the mind fuckery there may be involved with void its not enough to negate the things it will let me do. and im not unhappy in my compulsion to help whether thats how i was always meant to be or because my role made me.
and thats why i havent been able to connect with people i think.
its either i cant depend on them or they wont depend on me.
ive been thinking about my mom. what id want if i got her. and i dont get this idea everything is magically better and she saved me or anything. shed just be there and shed care and id be important and wed figure it out from there. id save her and shed save me.
and thats why i could let ventus take the starvation.
i want family. i want everything that family is.
i dont want to be better or whole or to fix the worlds problems or any of that.
i want to have people that i can depend on and trust. not for honesty because pouring out my guts is just opening up the wound but to do shit. that i can know will get my back and catch me when i fall or when im weak. but i also want to do the same in turn. i want to know the situation i dont want to be tiptoed around or unhurt. if it hurts then ill deal with it because if it means i can actually help those important to me then its WORTH it.
i want to save and be saved. i want people there for the good times and the bad and i want to be there for them at the same time.
i want to know there are people with me for taking on all the fuckery the multiverse is gonna throw at us.