thevoidsdarkhorse | Heart Game (Continued)

No.

I ran off. Needed space to think. As nice as the team is, I get the looks, the questions. Got tired of it. So I ran, and didn't tell anyone where I went.

It felt like it was better that way, anyway, you know? I could calm down, no one had to look at me like some broken doll on a shelf in need of pity. Then I could come back and refocus on what was more important. I could be useful, like I should be. Not some sob story. Seemed like the best thing to do.

...

Hydra found out. Yelled at me. Broke my arm.

I... wouldn't be surprised if she cried that whole day.

[A wistful chuckle as he releases her hand, dropping his own into his lap.]

It's... hard to see how we're dismissing the people we love until it's too late. We're telling them we can't trust them. It's one thing to do that to strangers, sure. But...

If we can tell someone "I love you", but can't tell them "I'm afraid", then maybe we have our priorities backwards.

Ya did fuck up if Hydra was that pissed.

...

[She looks to the side.]

I know that. That's why....that's why I had to tell Sparrow first. Knew it was doomed from the start if I didn't.

She...she accepted it, rolled with it. That feeling when she did... [A fond smiile.]

[A sheepish laugh at that first part, but he won't say anything. Already been chewed up enough as it is, anyway.]

Hydra isn't the type of person to just blindly judge someone, either. You know that. She wants to understand you. You just have to give her the chance.

...I have. I....I told her, recently. Figured....nothing left to lose now...

Was meaning too for a while, but hard to get the nerve.

...So, if it was hard for you to open up about it, don't you think it might be the same when it comes to others and how they share things?

...

I wish there was an easier answer to give you, for helping people that are hard to reach. I mean, you're pretty stubborn as it is. I know you'll try everything.

But sometimes, you just have to wait for them to get the nerve to talk on their own. Pushing doesn't always make a door open if it has to be pushed from the other side, you know?

...

Are you afraid I'll pity you?

[Shakes his head, though he can't quite look at her anymore, staring out into the void as he continues.]

I'm pitied all the time. Phobia and all. It makes for plenty of laughs and eyerolls and sorry looks. Hurts, but I'd get used to it somehow.

...

What scares me is that, if I ever find my nerve, you'll realize that you want to leave.

I'm not ready for that.

....

[She moves her hand to thread their fingers together.]

I wouldn't.

Nothing you said would make me want to leave.

It's not about what I say.

[He'll hesitate before squeezing her hand in return.]

I know you know that. Wouldn't pull such weird things to prove a point otherwise.

I just... can't right now.

[And he'll let the Heart thing do it's thing here, because he can't say it out loud, it hurts, it's stupid, he hates it.

But he's a coward. He's too frightened to lose everything and everyone. He can't change that. He has to keep the balance, even if it means pushing others away. Cowardly cowardly cowardly always running always pushing it back ignoring it lashing out

There's nothing to pull strength from, outside a two-faced life. At least he could pretend to be strong that way.]

...

[She closes the book, turns towards him.]

[She holds out her other hand for his second one.]

[...

Takes it, holding tight.]

Near the beginning, I tried doing everythin' on my own. Didn't know how to depend on peeps because it's....been so short a time where I had anyone to depend on 'fore Kyriakos. Just me and silly chess people.

It terrified me, the idea I couldn't handle things on my own. Felt like if I didn't, I would surely die.

Reyson called me out on the bullshit, told me I had others to depend on. To help me.

It scared me.

It still does.

Even now, I can't....I can't accept help without helpin' in turn. 'cause it doesn't feel real. Like if I dun do something, it's all gonna fall apart somehow 'cause how do things continue unless I struggle somehow?

[And a feeling. A feeling like she can't just have kindness, the world isn't kind. But if she helps, then it's more even. She fulfills her purpose in life, so yes, yes, the universe can give her this kindness, and it makes SENSE and it's not a sign of things going badly in the near future.]

... Some of us just need a little more give than take at the end of the day. Makes it feel less pointless, in a way. Otherwise... you know... you just end up thinking that maybe whatever hellish destiny is out there just enjoys getting our hopes up, only to pull it away and mock us as we fall.

It's a little less mocking when there's something else to fall back on, anyway.

Could I tell you something, though?

What is it?

[And bringing her knuckles to his lips, briefly.]

The kindness I could share with you wouldn't ever be enough to thank you for your friendship, Roxy. Even if it's hard to take at times, or if it's hard to give in return. But I help you for the same reason you want to help me. And I'm sorry, that my pushing you away has caused you pain like this.

But as long as I know you, know that I won't stop being here for you... or doing my best to let you do the same in return. Let you give and take.

You've earned every drop of that.

[She stares at their hands, quiet for several long moments.]

It...took a long while. To know for sure, you cared. 'cause I'm kinda fucked up like that. But...I did see, understand it. So I know you'll be there.

[She looks up at him, questioning.] Will you really let me be there for you?

Sure I will.

[A pause, eyes softening.]

I'm not always great at speaking my mind about it. It doesn't always feel important or necessary. So many other things could be done instead of dwelling on feelings, you know? That's why I never talk about it. It always seems like a waste of everyone's time.

That's... what I've thought for a while, anyway.

[And thumbing the fabric with the BIG FUCKIN HEART ON IT because yeah. Yeah, hi, look, what a dumb aspect except he's starting to get the WHY now.]

So, I'm sorry if I'm a little slow at learning this. It's not what I'm used to. I'm going to get angry. I'm going to want my space.

But... at the very least, I can always use someone to sit with. [A light smirk, sheepish but restrained.] Gets kind of lonely after a while.

Edited (what the fuck are even words idk) 2015-01-27 06:33 (UTC)

[She's quiet for several long moments and there's a flickering.] Yeah, it can be kind of lonely.

[Sitting on the roof on LOPAN with Dirk, various times with teammates, Hydra, Fade, out in Kyriakos. How peaceful it felt. How things seems just a bit more manageable.]

[She squeezes his hands.] Wouldn't want you to be lonely.

And...I'll try to be patient. I'm just...y'know, kind of fishhandsing a lot. Never been good at finding that right middle point. But I won't give up on ya if you're willing to not give up on me.

I came in here to help you for a reason, you know.

[That smirk broadens a bit, softer, a more comforting happiness even if it's tinged with a sad sort of heaviness. It's hard, and already he has to fight to keep himself honest in the moment, habit wanting to rearrange the topic and shut out every strength that his Aspect was offering...

But he knows now that it's just as hard for both of them.]

I won't give up on you, Roxy. You have my word.

[She smiles, gentle, genuine, eyes whining a bit with tears because it's...a relief and so good to HEAR.]

Is it all right if I hug you? Dunno why you're fine, but kinda wanna take advantage of it, y'know?

[He nods, giving a sympathetic sort of laugh as he lets her hands go and opens his arms wide. Yes yes and yes WHO KNOWS WHEN I'LL MANAGE THIS EVER AGAIN.]

[Yes, this is also true.]

[You are getting more Roxy hugs.]

[I have missed Roxy hugs.

Holding her tight.]

Heh. We're quite a mess of a duo, aren't we?

[If only you could get more. '^']

Yeah. We are.

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE

Re: RAGE