thevoidsdarkhorse | Heart Game (Continued)

Heart Game (Continued)

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...

[She closes the book, turns towards him.]

[She holds out her other hand for his second one.]

[...

Takes it, holding tight.]

Near the beginning, I tried doing everythin' on my own. Didn't know how to depend on peeps because it's....been so short a time where I had anyone to depend on 'fore Kyriakos. Just me and silly chess people.

It terrified me, the idea I couldn't handle things on my own. Felt like if I didn't, I would surely die.

Reyson called me out on the bullshit, told me I had others to depend on. To help me.

It scared me.

It still does.

Even now, I can't....I can't accept help without helpin' in turn. 'cause it doesn't feel real. Like if I dun do something, it's all gonna fall apart somehow 'cause how do things continue unless I struggle somehow?

[And a feeling. A feeling like she can't just have kindness, the world isn't kind. But if she helps, then it's more even. She fulfills her purpose in life, so yes, yes, the universe can give her this kindness, and it makes SENSE and it's not a sign of things going badly in the near future.]

... Some of us just need a little more give than take at the end of the day. Makes it feel less pointless, in a way. Otherwise... you know... you just end up thinking that maybe whatever hellish destiny is out there just enjoys getting our hopes up, only to pull it away and mock us as we fall.

It's a little less mocking when there's something else to fall back on, anyway.

Could I tell you something, though?

What is it?

[And bringing her knuckles to his lips, briefly.]

The kindness I could share with you wouldn't ever be enough to thank you for your friendship, Roxy. Even if it's hard to take at times, or if it's hard to give in return. But I help you for the same reason you want to help me. And I'm sorry, that my pushing you away has caused you pain like this.

But as long as I know you, know that I won't stop being here for you... or doing my best to let you do the same in return. Let you give and take.

You've earned every drop of that.

[She stares at their hands, quiet for several long moments.]

It...took a long while. To know for sure, you cared. 'cause I'm kinda fucked up like that. But...I did see, understand it. So I know you'll be there.

[She looks up at him, questioning.] Will you really let me be there for you?

Sure I will.

[A pause, eyes softening.]

I'm not always great at speaking my mind about it. It doesn't always feel important or necessary. So many other things could be done instead of dwelling on feelings, you know? That's why I never talk about it. It always seems like a waste of everyone's time.

That's... what I've thought for a while, anyway.

[And thumbing the fabric with the BIG FUCKIN HEART ON IT because yeah. Yeah, hi, look, what a dumb aspect except he's starting to get the WHY now.]

So, I'm sorry if I'm a little slow at learning this. It's not what I'm used to. I'm going to get angry. I'm going to want my space.

But... at the very least, I can always use someone to sit with. [A light smirk, sheepish but restrained.] Gets kind of lonely after a while.

Edited (what the fuck are even words idk) 2015-01-27 06:33 (UTC)

[She's quiet for several long moments and there's a flickering.] Yeah, it can be kind of lonely.

[Sitting on the roof on LOPAN with Dirk, various times with teammates, Hydra, Fade, out in Kyriakos. How peaceful it felt. How things seems just a bit more manageable.]

[She squeezes his hands.] Wouldn't want you to be lonely.

And...I'll try to be patient. I'm just...y'know, kind of fishhandsing a lot. Never been good at finding that right middle point. But I won't give up on ya if you're willing to not give up on me.

I came in here to help you for a reason, you know.

[That smirk broadens a bit, softer, a more comforting happiness even if it's tinged with a sad sort of heaviness. It's hard, and already he has to fight to keep himself honest in the moment, habit wanting to rearrange the topic and shut out every strength that his Aspect was offering...

But he knows now that it's just as hard for both of them.]

I won't give up on you, Roxy. You have my word.

[She smiles, gentle, genuine, eyes whining a bit with tears because it's...a relief and so good to HEAR.]

Is it all right if I hug you? Dunno why you're fine, but kinda wanna take advantage of it, y'know?

[He nods, giving a sympathetic sort of laugh as he lets her hands go and opens his arms wide. Yes yes and yes WHO KNOWS WHEN I'LL MANAGE THIS EVER AGAIN.]

[Yes, this is also true.]

[You are getting more Roxy hugs.]

[I have missed Roxy hugs.

Holding her tight.]

Heh. We're quite a mess of a duo, aren't we?

[If only you could get more. '^']

Yeah. We are.

[IF ONLY miracles could happen right

He'll hold that for a long while before leaning his weight back, a hand steadily on her shoulder.]

Be patient with yourself, too, alright?

It's never an easy thing to accept, seeing someone make choices that you wish you could change. You're working hard with plenty of people. But...

[Drifting off for a moment, before pulling out the martini glass and handing it to her.]

...Sometimes, it's better to let those around you realize things for themselves. Be there for them, and never give up on them. But let them find their own strength.

[IF ONLY.]

[She stares at the martini glass, and slowly taking it.]

...is that what you think this was?

Edited 2015-01-28 04:22 (UTC)

From my perspective, at least. I was always worried for you.

But regardless of my involvement, intentional or otherwise, you still chose to change on your own. Not because anyone told you to do it, or pushed you until you gave in. That's important. It means something to you that way.

So... it's only fair to think the same of others, too. Even if it's hard to have to watch and wait.

...

[She holds out the glass.] You might want to keep this then.

It has a meaning for you, but to me....it's how I should listen to when people are showing concern for me. Even if I changed on my own, I wouldn't have managed if I hadn't finally listened.

I dun want to mix your messages.

...If you're sure, then... alright.

[Making a sylladex switch. NUMBERS EVERYWHERE much strider very dave. He pulls out the pen instead.]

I'd still like to make my mark here, if I could. Would feel guilty if I didn't at least try.

It would be a shame to get this far and then ya contradicted yourself 'cause heart symbolism.

All right.

Yeeeah, that'd be a little counterproductive. Thanks for saying something.

[A gesture to her journal.]

May I?

Yeah, thought so.

[Slides it over to him.]

[Writing most of what he said before down, though condensed.

Be patient with yourself.

Keep being there for others, even if it's difficult. Let them come to conclusions themselves. Don't take on that burden alone. Voice what you need to the people you care about.]

I'll try to remember.

Dun be afraid to take your own advice though, okay?

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