i know whats wrong with me. know for a while now. not used to peeps not used to there being more not used to having some sort of options sides clinging to what little i have. i love my friends but there are times i wonder if we would have been friends if our sitch wasnt so desperate. if we werent all we had. makes me sad but considering how epic our meltdowns are we might not have lasted otherwise.
the thing is there was a distance between us 2. dirk and i were close but jake and jane always have some distance and i was never fully honest with them. i play this game was talking in circles and hiding things and i dun know why exactly but i can guess.
i needed to survive. i needed to keep functioning and going and i couldnt stop i couldnt think i couldnt focus on what happened and then i did HREE and i think its tearing me apart.
i wanted to try and be honest with people. i told them what was wrong i opened up i let them see all the cracks and it keeps blowing up in my face. i have so many people who promise they wont leave but then they DO and no its not just you i dont even want to list how many people in pods made the same fucking promise and i hate it.
i dont want promise of wont leave because it just makes it hurt more.
whats worse is it feels like they were lost before that because the moment i open up is the moment they pull away. they offer care and support but they treat me like delicate glass and wont let me help and theres this wall of oh poor roxy and i dont want that i cant take it i cant its not
so i apparently need a fucking tether when i sleep. now im floating back in the direction of kyriakos because i ended up several hours out. fucking joy of joys.
tho i guess theres one advantage. its easier to think out here and try to sort out what i need to.
i spent a long time watching after myself. carapacians were really only good enough to cover the basics and that only lasted so long. i dont know how to be taken care of. the concept is so foreign that i just dont know how to handle it.
and the thing is i dont think i ever will. for a while i think ive been hoping after everything i would find a way to get better. i dont know if thats what you were trying to do but i think a lot of people were and i realized something.
i cant recover. i cant 'get better.' i grew up the last of my genocided race with aliens who would sometimes see me as food and i couldn't even see another human being in person until i was almost sixteen. ive seen the universe burn down around me. there is no 'better' from that. its going to be a huge fucking scar on my psyche for as long as i live. its like a lost limb in not magical healing land. that limb is just going to be fucking gone and nothing is going to change that.
but you can live with it. and the thing is i can live with this. its what i learned to do. i think thats been part of the problem when i open up to people. yes sometimes its going to hurt and i need a hug but so many people treat me like a delicate flower and im NOT. sure some stuff is gonna trigger me and suck but id rather it just be dealt with head on instead of tiptoed around until theres an explosion because i hate the fucking explosions.
i lived thru all of that shit. i survived it. sure some was with fucking self delusion and lies but i could still do what needed doing.
its why sparrow is so important to me. she realized that. someone could be be fine and still be sad still hurt. ended up being compelled into telling her my universe is gone and she said that and i cant even describe how much of a relief it was. how much of a relief it is.
it sucks and hurts and sometimes i want to cry about it but i can live with it. it doesnt mean i cant deal with other shit.
cause i do.
hey zelos did ya know the carapacians are actually the npcs of the game? because thats what they are. i kind of kept that under wraps though because i know a lot of people cant see the npcs as real. i didnt want to bring down the team because i couldnt get over something that others probs wouldnt see as rational.
im someone who knows she cant save everyone so makes due with what she can. thats the kind of person i am. im used to things being shitty and dealing with the shitty as long as i can do a little bit. thats all i need. i dont need extremes because ive had too little to expect it to happen.
but thats not what i realized. i was grasping at what i wanted and couldnt figure it out and i think i might have it now. i do want to be taken care of a little bit. i dont want to deal with everything on my own as hard as i make it for others to help me. really need to learn better. but i do like it. when people will cook for me or hug me or tell me stories.
i
i like to think that right now even as i float back u guys have noticed im gone. that i could be captured or something and id be missed. not just second priority to some stupid love triangle bullshit.
okay that might be projecting a bit my friends were kind of accidental dicks. =/
i want to be noticed.
but thats not all i want. i cant take it if thats all i get. its too overwhelming and HURTS and makes me lost.
im a rogue of void. this is a big part of who i am. and i dont resent it. what it makes me i want and support. im meant to help others. im meant to live helping them. for all the mind fuckery there may be involved with void its not enough to negate the things it will let me do. and im not unhappy in my compulsion to help whether thats how i was always meant to be or because my role made me.
and thats why i havent been able to connect with people i think.
its either i cant depend on them or they wont depend on me.
ive been thinking about my mom. what id want if i got her. and i dont get this idea everything is magically better and she saved me or anything. shed just be there and shed care and id be important and wed figure it out from there. id save her and shed save me.
and thats why i could let ventus take the starvation.
i want family. i want everything that family is.
i dont want to be better or whole or to fix the worlds problems or any of that.
i want to have people that i can depend on and trust. not for honesty because pouring out my guts is just opening up the wound but to do shit. that i can know will get my back and catch me when i fall or when im weak. but i also want to do the same in turn. i want to know the situation i dont want to be tiptoed around or unhurt. if it hurts then ill deal with it because if it means i can actually help those important to me then its WORTH it.
i want to save and be saved. i want people there for the good times and the bad and i want to be there for them at the same time.
i want to know there are people with me for taking on all the fuckery the multiverse is gonna throw at us.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry 4.5
the thing is there was a distance between us 2. dirk and i were close but jake and jane always have some distance and i was never fully honest with them. i play this game was talking in circles and hiding things and i dun know why exactly but i can guess.
i needed to survive. i needed to keep functioning and going and i couldnt stop i couldnt think i couldnt focus on what happened and then i did HREE and i think its tearing me apart.
i wanted to try and be honest with people. i told them what was wrong i opened up i let them see all the cracks and it keeps blowing up in my face. i have so many people who promise they wont leave but then they DO and no its not just you i dont even want to list how many people in pods made the same fucking promise and i hate it.
i dont want promise of wont leave because it just makes it hurt more.
whats worse is it feels like they were lost before that because the moment i open up is the moment they pull away. they offer care and support but they treat me like delicate glass and wont let me help and theres this wall of oh poor roxy and i dont want that i cant take it i cant its not
it doesnt WORK
its not what i want its not
[ends there]
Entry 4.7
tho i guess theres one advantage. its easier to think out here and try to sort out what i need to.
i spent a long time watching after myself. carapacians were really only good enough to cover the basics and that only lasted so long. i dont know how to be taken care of. the concept is so foreign that i just dont know how to handle it.
and the thing is i dont think i ever will. for a while i think ive been hoping after everything i would find a way to get better. i dont know if thats what you were trying to do but i think a lot of people were and i realized something.
i cant recover. i cant 'get better.' i grew up the last of my genocided race with aliens who would sometimes see me as food and i couldn't even see another human being in person until i was almost sixteen. ive seen the universe burn down around me. there is no 'better' from that. its going to be a huge fucking scar on my psyche for as long as i live. its like a lost limb in not magical healing land. that limb is just going to be fucking gone and nothing is going to change that.
but you can live with it. and the thing is i can live with this. its what i learned to do. i think thats been part of the problem when i open up to people. yes sometimes its going to hurt and i need a hug but so many people treat me like a delicate flower and im NOT. sure some stuff is gonna trigger me and suck but id rather it just be dealt with head on instead of tiptoed around until theres an explosion because i hate the fucking explosions.
i lived thru all of that shit. i survived it. sure some was with fucking self delusion and lies but i could still do what needed doing.
its why sparrow is so important to me. she realized that. someone could be be fine and still be sad still hurt. ended up being compelled into telling her my universe is gone and she said that and i cant even describe how much of a relief it was. how much of a relief it is.
it sucks and hurts and sometimes i want to cry about it but i can live with it. it doesnt mean i cant deal with other shit.
cause i do.
hey zelos did ya know the carapacians are actually the npcs of the game? because thats what they are. i kind of kept that under wraps though because i know a lot of people cant see the npcs as real. i didnt want to bring down the team because i couldnt get over something that others probs wouldnt see as rational.
im someone who knows she cant save everyone so makes due with what she can. thats the kind of person i am. im used to things being shitty and dealing with the shitty as long as i can do a little bit. thats all i need. i dont need extremes because ive had too little to expect it to happen.
Entry 5
i
i like to think that right now even as i float back u guys have noticed im gone. that i could be captured or something and id be missed. not just second priority to some stupid love triangle bullshit.
okay that might be projecting a bit my friends were kind of accidental dicks. =/
i want to be noticed.
but thats not all i want. i cant take it if thats all i get. its too overwhelming and HURTS and makes me lost.
im a rogue of void. this is a big part of who i am. and i dont resent it. what it makes me i want and support. im meant to help others. im meant to live helping them. for all the mind fuckery there may be involved with void its not enough to negate the things it will let me do. and im not unhappy in my compulsion to help whether thats how i was always meant to be or because my role made me.
and thats why i havent been able to connect with people i think.
its either i cant depend on them or they wont depend on me.
ive been thinking about my mom. what id want if i got her. and i dont get this idea everything is magically better and she saved me or anything. shed just be there and shed care and id be important and wed figure it out from there. id save her and shed save me.
and thats why i could let ventus take the starvation.
i want family. i want everything that family is.
i dont want to be better or whole or to fix the worlds problems or any of that.
i want to have people that i can depend on and trust. not for honesty because pouring out my guts is just opening up the wound but to do shit. that i can know will get my back and catch me when i fall or when im weak. but i also want to do the same in turn. i want to know the situation i dont want to be tiptoed around or unhurt. if it hurts then ill deal with it because if it means i can actually help those important to me then its WORTH it.
i want to save and be saved. i want people there for the good times and the bad and i want to be there for them at the same time.
i want to know there are people with me for taking on all the fuckery the multiverse is gonna throw at us.