thevoidsdarkhorse | Heart Game (Continued)

Heart Game (Continued)

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[f r e e z i n g because he sure as hell remembers this. his heart was already beating rapidly from all of that running from earlier, but now he can feel it hammer in his ears too]

[the first time he had ever died, right here. Yaksinis's cry wolf game. the tpk]

[he knows how this one is going to end]

[he flexes his hands at his sides, and takes a deep breath]

[of course he confesses]

[The vines come, they wrap around you, and the teams are still up, still going to DIE without any mercy, and it's guilt and horror, and you already hate yourself, but you could deal, you could deal, you could fool yourself into thinking you could deal-]

[Except it keeps going. Epona confesses, and it would be a lie to say part of you hadn't predicted that, that they would cave under your confession, that maybe it was a hope to end the game more quickly even if thought filled you with self loathing, but when you could have dealt before, you can't now, not now, because it doesn't end.]

[It doesn't end it doesn't end it doesn't end and you have started a chain reaction of people refusing, or breaking rules, and everyone is dying dying dying and it's EVERYONE and it's all your fault, because you see it now. You see it's in the rules now, and you should have seen BEFORE, but you DIDN'T.]

[You see everyone die, see all the people you KILLED because of your own incompetence and fear.]

[nope nope nope nnnnope he's struggling against those restraints immediately because baaaad pings bad pings bad pings. watching this event from Roxy's point of view is trippy as hell, because he remembers it. . . he remembers it so clearly, but hell, it certainly isn't something anyone could forget. he had to watch the chain reaction last time. watch as each team fell like a piece of dominoes, but this time, can he maybe. . .]

[yanks against the restraints one last time and focuses on every vine he can see-- the ones around him, the ones around others, the ones snaking out of the ground and lashing at everyone-- and tries to make all of them disappear]

[You should.]

[You should be able to because you're a Rogue of Void.]

[Void players are wild cards, Rogues are sneaky fucks for the greater good. By all reason you should be able to do it, find the way to break the rules, to save people, to protect people. You should be able to find the way around the rules, to break them, tear them apart.]

[Return them to the void so the people you want to save will live.]

[But it didn't work out that way, did it?]

[You were wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong]

[They don't disappear.]

[damn it damn it damn it-- he thought he had these pings hit enough back in doom's room. nothing like Kyriakos's games to make you feel helpless all over again]

[he doesn't stop struggling, or fighting, because it isn't within his nature to do so. and as he does, he calls out--]

Roxy!

Roxy, it wasn't your fault!

[No response.]

[The vines do their thing first, sadly. ):]

[that sucks :(]

[he supposes there are so many ways he can change these war flashbacks]

[Y-yes. And sadly it's not the memory itself that needs changing.]

It was my fault.

[Because now you're amongst vine covered bodies, and there's Roxy, on the ground, staring ahead blankly.]

[it was worth a shot]

It wasn't.

[is he still restrained, can he turn to face her]

It wasn't. Yaksinis ran the game. Yaksinis made the rules. Yaksinis tried to force you into playing along.

It wasn't your fault.

[He can. Actually, after the memory plays out, he finds he can detangle himself from the vines now.]

It was in the rules, I should have seen what would happen. Not like I wasn't assuming she was a sadistic.

She would have killed the teams anyway, even if you had stayed quiet.

[kicking the vines away then. pretty quickly, too, because after dying twice by thorny vine he has acquired quite the distaste for them]

You can't-- [he pauses. swallows down his own emotions on the matter. pushes forward]

You can't always save everyone in every game. You can't. You can't, and it sucks, and it isn't fair, but you've gotta. . .

[another deep breath. calm down Kuroba]

. . . you've gotta focus on the bigger picture. Some battles will be lost, but hell. Even if we can't save everyone in every game, then we can stop the Echoes who run those kinds of games, yeah?

And then there won't be any repeats of that stupid cry wolf game. Ever.

I can deal with not saving everyone.

[She smiles bitterly.]

By the time Cry Wolf came around, I 'membered leaving my Neighborhood. Only means to escape, but I only got a dozen Carapacians.

I can leave people. Abandon 'em.

Didn't think I could...

[assuming she's finishing that statement with "kill people," so he chimes in pretty quickly]

You didn't kill anyone.

[firm.]

I was there, Roxy. My team died, too. And for a little while, I was pretty mad about it. Who wouldn't be?

But I never blamed you. And you don't have to blame yourself when no one else who was there does.

Don't you get it?!

I grew UP with Games like these. I should have seen what would happen. It was literally the sort of thing I TRAINED FOR.

And I knew what I was doing when I confessed, I KNEW two teams were gonna die, I knew how high chances were Epona was gonna confess, and I did it anyway!

Epona chose to confess on their own! Their choices are not your fault. You can't shoulder the burden of other people's decisions, Roxy. That's just. . .

[h-hffff]

That's too heavy of a burden for anyone to carry on their own.

. . . and as for the rest, you were only trying to limit the damage that would be done. You can't. . . shoulder the burden of Yaksinis's choice to kill everyone, either.

You have to forgive yourself. How can you keep fighting if you don't allow yourself to move on from past mistakes?

Maybe I shouldn't keep fighting...

. . . do you really believe that?

[taking a step towards her and reaching out, hesitating, before he places his hand on her shouler]

Because I don't believe you do.

I want to.

I'm so...tired of fighting.

. . . you aren't fighting alone.

[gentle shoulder squeeze]

Which. . . might be hard to hear, I know, but it's true. Everyone in Kyriakos is fighting with you.

And when you get tired and need to rest, someone will cover for you.

Everyone is fighting for worlds that can be saved.

I'm not.

[. . .]

But you're still holding on. I've seen that. . . throughout this entire soul, there are bits of you that want to exist, that believe in pushing forward. The whole of you hasn't given up just yet.

It's just a matter of tackling one thing at a time, yeah. . .? To make pushing forward just a little bit easier. And right now. . . you need to forgive yourself for what happened in that game. Just like I already have.

One thing at a time...

That's worked wonders so far.

Baby steps, Roxy.

Trying to do everything at once will just exhaust you.

[She smiles, bitter.]

I knew that.

I tried that.

And I know where it got me.

. . . where?

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