Heart Game (Continued)
Jan. 24th, 2015 07:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thevoidsdarkhorse
[There's nothing]
[Nothing]
[Nothingnothingnothingnothingnothing]
[Isn't that wonderful though?]
IRC: #Voidheart. Plurk pings: Alwaysterrible.
Original Heart Post
ENTER | CHUMROLL CONTINUED | BEDROOM | BREATH | TIME | SPACE | LIFE 1 LIFE 2 | BLOOD 1 BLOOD 2 | MIND | DOOM 1 DOOM 2 | RAGE 1 RAGE 2 | HOPE
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 05:28 am (UTC)I don't mean to interrupt you.
[A pause, watching her gnaw the end of her pen.]
Do you mind if I ask you something, though?
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 05:39 am (UTC)Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 05:46 am (UTC)[Gently catching that hand before she can lower it.]
Roxy... I know you don't feel well right now. But this is important.
Please, look at me.
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 05:49 am (UTC)[She looks up and]
[Pause.]
[Staring at his hand.]
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 06:00 am (UTC)Yes, he's touching you. WHAT VOODOO WITCHCRAFT IS AT WORK HERE spoilers its you.]
If you could give people the chance to understand things about you, just how you try to understand things about them, how far would you go?
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 06:06 am (UTC)[She sets down the pen.]
Depends.
I want people to understand me.
But I'm sick of people treatin' me like glass or like I can't help 'cause of it. They learn one horrible thing and it starts. They learn more, and...well.
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 06:14 am (UTC)But-- Mmm.
[Another pause as he considers something.]
...
Did I tell you about Hydra getting upset at me the other week?
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 06:21 am (UTC)Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 06:32 am (UTC)It felt like it was better that way, anyway, you know? I could calm down, no one had to look at me like some broken doll on a shelf in need of pity. Then I could come back and refocus on what was more important. I could be useful, like I should be. Not some sob story. Seemed like the best thing to do.
...
Hydra found out. Yelled at me. Broke my arm.
I... wouldn't be surprised if she cried that whole day.
[A wistful chuckle as he releases her hand, dropping his own into his lap.]
It's... hard to see how we're dismissing the people we love until it's too late. We're telling them we can't trust them. It's one thing to do that to strangers, sure. But...
If we can tell someone "I love you", but can't tell them "I'm afraid", then maybe we have our priorities backwards.
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 06:49 am (UTC)...
[She looks to the side.]
I know that. That's why....that's why I had to tell Sparrow first. Knew it was doomed from the start if I didn't.
She...she accepted it, rolled with it. That feeling when she did... [A fond smiile.]
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 07:02 am (UTC)Hydra isn't the type of person to just blindly judge someone, either. You know that. She wants to understand you. You just have to give her the chance.
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 07:11 am (UTC)Was meaning too for a while, but hard to get the nerve.
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 08:10 am (UTC)...
I wish there was an easier answer to give you, for helping people that are hard to reach. I mean, you're pretty stubborn as it is. I know you'll try everything.
But sometimes, you just have to wait for them to get the nerve to talk on their own. Pushing doesn't always make a door open if it has to be pushed from the other side, you know?
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 08:19 am (UTC)Are you afraid I'll pity you?
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 08:27 am (UTC)I'm pitied all the time. Phobia and all. It makes for plenty of laughs and eyerolls and sorry looks. Hurts, but I'd get used to it somehow.
...
What scares me is that, if I ever find my nerve, you'll realize that you want to leave.
I'm not ready for that.
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 08:32 am (UTC)[She moves her hand to thread their fingers together.]
I wouldn't.
Nothing you said would make me want to leave.
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 08:44 am (UTC)[He'll hesitate before squeezing her hand in return.]
I know you know that. Wouldn't pull such weird things to prove a point otherwise.
I just... can't right now.
[And he'll let the Heart thing do it's thing here, because he can't say it out loud, it hurts, it's stupid, he hates it.
But he's a coward. He's too frightened to lose everything and everyone. He can't change that. He has to keep the balance, even if it means pushing others away. Cowardly cowardly cowardly always running always pushing it back ignoring it lashing out
There's nothing to pull strength from, outside a two-faced life. At least he could pretend to be strong that way.]
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 09:01 am (UTC)[She closes the book, turns towards him.]
[She holds out her other hand for his second one.]
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 09:04 am (UTC)Takes it, holding tight.]
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-26 09:23 am (UTC)It terrified me, the idea I couldn't handle things on my own. Felt like if I didn't, I would surely die.
Reyson called me out on the bullshit, told me I had others to depend on. To help me.
It scared me.
It still does.
Even now, I can't....I can't accept help without helpin' in turn. 'cause it doesn't feel real. Like if I dun do something, it's all gonna fall apart somehow 'cause how do things continue unless I struggle somehow?
[And a feeling. A feeling like she can't just have kindness, the world isn't kind. But if she helps, then it's more even. She fulfills her purpose in life, so yes, yes, the universe can give her this kindness, and it makes SENSE and it's not a sign of things going badly in the near future.]
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-27 05:59 am (UTC)It's a little less mocking when there's something else to fall back on, anyway.
Could I tell you something, though?
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-27 06:07 am (UTC)Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-27 06:14 am (UTC)The kindness I could share with you wouldn't ever be enough to thank you for your friendship, Roxy. Even if it's hard to take at times, or if it's hard to give in return. But I help you for the same reason you want to help me. And I'm sorry, that my pushing you away has caused you pain like this.
But as long as I know you, know that I won't stop being here for you... or doing my best to let you do the same in return. Let you give and take.
You've earned every drop of that.
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-27 06:22 am (UTC)It...took a long while. To know for sure, you cared. 'cause I'm kinda fucked up like that. But...I did see, understand it. So I know you'll be there.
[She looks up at him, questioning.] Will you really let me be there for you?
Re: RAGE
Date: 2015-01-27 06:30 am (UTC)[A pause, eyes softening.]
I'm not always great at speaking my mind about it. It doesn't always feel important or necessary. So many other things could be done instead of dwelling on feelings, you know? That's why I never talk about it. It always seems like a waste of everyone's time.
That's... what I've thought for a while, anyway.
[And thumbing the fabric with the BIG FUCKIN HEART ON IT because yeah. Yeah, hi, look, what a dumb aspect except he's starting to get the WHY now.]
So, I'm sorry if I'm a little slow at learning this. It's not what I'm used to. I'm going to get angry. I'm going to want my space.
But... at the very least, I can always use someone to sit with. [A light smirk, sheepish but restrained.] Gets kind of lonely after a while.
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